That Time I Got Friend Zoned

When reality, and friendship aren't enough

Thanks for being a subscriber to Let's Not Be Trash. If you’re new here, we (mostly me, Evan J. Mastronardi and Karina Maria Write about patriarchy, politics, race, culture, music, and ruminations. The goal is to discuss important issues in a digestible and relatable way because nobody wants to read a Ted Talk.

If you’re new, please consider subscribing. If you’re already on the list and have a few coins, consider upgrading to a paid subscriber. If you have commitment issues but want to contribute, you can buy me a coffee.

If you like my substack and want to discover other great writers, check out this directory from Marc Typo, The Cook-Out.

This was one of my first posts on Substack. I’m sharing it here with you guys as I work on a few projects. It’s tied to a mixtape series titled, “Things I learned from the people who dumped me”. Click here that time I got dumped in a letter.

---

I’m not gonna hold you; I wasn’t sure how to start this off. The breakup story I’m about to share isn’t really a breakup story. In order for us to “break up,” we had to have been dating, and I can assure you that we weren’t. While we had a relationship, there was nothing romantic about it. Instead, this is what happens when a friendship isn’t enough.

The Girl:

Gloria and I became friends in college. We weren't super close on campus, but a lot of our mutual friends hung out, so we became pretty familiar with each other. Gloria was a fair-skinned Dominican from Brooklyn; she had brown eyes that looked hazel in the light, curly hair, and a smile that could brighten up a room. She was fun to be around, loved to laugh, and had a magnetic personality. Usually, I would be all over a girl like her, unfortunately, my time and energy were being monopolized by side-nigga duties (More on that in a future post). That all changed the year after I graduated. Now single and in deep need of therapy and self-reflection, I had the time to become infatuated, project all of my ideas onto her, and decide that we needed to be together. It looked like the ancestors were on my side as well. 

Just as I was building my infatuation, news broke on Twitter that Gloria had ended things with her long-term boyfriend, Nate. Her tweets confirmed this, so I knew it to be true. The best part was that not only was she single, but she was also “very ready to mingle.” Before following my instinct and diving headfirst into her Direct Messages (DM’s), I asked myself, “Isn’t it kind of messed up to go after someone fresh from a breakup?” Just as that thought was about to take hold, I realized it didn’t matter because I would treat her much better than her ex.

After a couple of hours of talking through text, Gloria and I set up our first date. It went well, so we went on another one and then another. About six dates in, I popped the question and asked her to be my girl. She said no. I was sad but not too surprised. Gloria was never shy about her feelings. She had been telling me since the first date that we would never be more than friends. To drive the point home, whenever we hung out, she would call it a “Friend Date,” so I wouldn’t feel like she was sending mixed messages. The problem was, as much as I enjoyed her company and wanted to take her at her word, I was convinced we had chemistry. Maybe she was rejecting my advances, but she didn’t know any better, and I just needed to try harder to convince her. 

The Breakup:

Once again, Gloria and I did not break up; we never dated. Instead, after what was turning out to be a pretty great friendship, I decided to screw things up. One night, Gloria sent a text telling me she met someone. They went on a date that started in the afternoon and had just concluded at 3 in the morning. I was devastated. Not wanting to look soft, I channeled my inner Drake, congratulated her, turned my phone off, opened my laptop, and wrote a 2000-word rant about the friend zone. I was a “good guy” so I didn’t ghost her, I just distanced myself enough that she caught the hint. Eventually, the relationship petered out. We were still cordial when we saw each other, and there were no hard feelings, but we would never be as close or cool as we were before that text.

The Mixtape:

The lesson:

Gloria and my friendship taking the turn it did was my fault. I resented her for putting me in the “friend zone” and was bitter about all the “time and energy” I put into that relationship. The final straw was when she formally rejected me for someone else. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. Why did this guy get to be with her when he didn’t “work as hard as I had?” Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and talk to Stanley in his early 20’s. If I could, here’s what I would tell him.

First, I would say, “There is, and there has never been, any such thing as a ‘Friend Zone.’ The people you are attracted to/like do not owe you mutual feelings, sex, attention, love, or anything.” Let me explain: If someone offers you friendship and that upsets you, what you’re saying is what they are willing to give is not enough. Maybe it’s because their bodies are not tied to you in this context. That seems like an exaggeration of the facts, but the truth needs no extra filters; it hits hard on its own. That’s why friendship should have been enough if I liked her as much as I said I did. It wasn’t because as fun as she was to be around, I was more interested in smoking her boots than anything else. If Gloria had said to me that she didn’t want a relationship but was happy to be a sex friend, I doubt my reaction would have been the same.

That was almost always the reason I would get so pissed when someone I liked “put me in the friend zone” Sure, the rejection sucked too, and that rejection can sometimes make you feel like you are flawed, but the source of that anger was the outrage of being denied the cheeks.

I would challenge anyone, especially any man who has ever been “friend-zoned,” to unpack what bothered you so much about it. Sure, rejection sucks, but it's a part of life, and it happens to all of us. What about being told you are only seen as a friend that gets you so hot and bothered? 

Does friendship feel like pity or a consolation prize? If yes, you might want to unpack why the absence of sex and physical intimacy feels like you’re not getting anything of value.