Strange Love: It's Time to Break the Generational Curse of Child Abuse
Hurt people hurt people, and until someone chooses different, the cycle will continue
A couple of years ago, former Minnesota Vikings Running Back, Adrian Peterson was accused and indicted “with criminal negligence and child abuse” According to the arrest report, Peterson beat his four-year-old son with a switch, leaving bruises and cuts on the thigh, and butt. Peterson claims that he never meant to hurt his child, he just loves him and wanted to make sure he was being “raised right” As a child, I grew up in a household with the same ideas about “love.”
A love that on its good days left a few bruises, and on not-so-good ones, left my blood staining the hardwood floors in our three-bedroom apartment. The people who raised me loved me, but they were raised in homes where violence was the answer to most questions. So when an awkward, forgetful kid with the tendency to have a “smart mouth” was acting out of pocket, the response was to shut me up with force.
The force varied, sometimes it would happen with a belt, other times it would come from a fist, but no matter how hard they hit me, or what they said, I never learned a lesson. At least not the one they wanted me to learn, it’s kind of sad when I reflect on it. I received these whoopings so I would “learn from my mistakes” and be a “solid man” but all it did was make me angry and resentful. I carried that anger for a long time, to some extent, I still do, and it warped everything and everyone around me. It led me to believe that to love is to hurt, and to be hurt is to be loved, that’s not a lesson we should be teaching any of our children.
I like to believe that my father and stepmother are good people. They were young and had their own demons to handle, and this had to happen while raising two kids, working a dead-end job, and staring down a mountain of debt. Despite this, they did the best they could to give us everything we needed, and while doing this they gave me their interpretation of love. I don’t doubt that Adrian Peterson loves his children, just like I don’t doubt the love in my home, and I’m sure that there are families all over the world who adore their kids but would make them “pick a switch” to discipline them. But having been on the other side of that “show of affection” I can tell you that it’s not giving what you hope for.
When you put your hands on a child the way Adrian did to his son, and my parents did to me, all you’re doing is showing them how to do it to others, it might be an unpopular statement, but violence breeds nothing but more violence. But even worse, you condition them to believe that love cannot exist without it, and if someone is violent to us we deserve it. Maybe it’s easy to feel this way because I don’t have children, and maybe my opinions will shift when I’m a parent with a kid who won’t behave. If and when that time comes, I hope to find other tools. The things you do today can follow a child years later, I’m 37 years old and still dealing with the baggage, save your kid the grief.
Powerful! Thanks Stan!
Been in therapy for 3 years and still processing. I understand now, those formative years when we’ve experienced the most trauma, often at the hands of our loved ones, still leaves indelible makes- worst then them switches and belts. I’m also committing to save my son the grief. I’m starting with these letters I write to him here on Substack. Thank you for your words brother.