Sorry Buddy, the "Anti-Man Agenda" isn't Real

Get over yourselves, there isn't a war against men being led by women

When I was 15 years old, I went through a streak where no one in my 8th-period science class would sit next to me. Every day, I would enter the classroom and look for my friends; they would smile, say hello, and then immediately shift to the other side of the room. At first, I thought this was a coincidence, but after a couple of days where people I considered close friends and even a couple of enemies were going out of their way to sit somewhere else, I realized something was wrong.

At first, I was determined not to let it bother me. If people didn’t want to sit next to me, I wouldn’t be upset about it, I would live my best life, get great grades, graduate, and go to Morehouse College, where everyone would think that I was amazing and want to be friends with me. This strategy lasted for about five minutes. It might have worked if I tried it, but that would have been a drama-free solution, and my life needed chaos. I started talking aggressively to everyone within earshot. If people weren’t going to sit next to me, I was going to let them know that I didn’t like it, and was going to tell them that they were “corny for acting funny.”

This plan went on for three days, and after a peculiar five-minute rant, in which I interrupted a lesson to tell my classmates that “None of them could hold my hand,” my teacher, Ms. Banks, took me outside to talk. I will not try to recap the entire conversation verbatim. Instead, I’ll give you the Cliff Notes. Ms. Banks wanted to know why I was stumbling into her class “rambling like Mel Gibson.” 

I calmly informed her that I was upset because no one wanted to sit next to me and that I believed this was happening because everyone hated me. Ms. Banks didn’t say anything for a long time, then, after a deep, painful breath, she looked me right in the eyes and said,

“Your Classmates aren’t sitting next to you because they hate you. They’re not sitting next to you because you smell like a full-court game of basketball.”

I probably failed to mention that the period right before science was gym. I would usually spend that hour playing full-court basketball with all my friends. At the end of said period, I would throw my clothes back on and go straight to class. The moral of the story here is simple. Take a fucking shower Hygene is essential.

Ok, so that’s not the actual point of this story. I mean, yes. Take a shower after working out or sweating a lot. Do it for yourself, and the people who have to sit next to you in poorly ventilated spaces, but know this as well. Sometimes the people closest to us will start saying, or doing things that don’t make sense, and while it’s easy to assume that their change in attitude or behavior is A. New, or  B. a sign of their trashness, the real problem might be you. 

Are you still with me? Good, stay strong. Recently, there has been an uptick of men on my social media feed complaining about the way women talk about them. I’m not sure when exactly it happened, but at some point, it became customary to see women expressing their displeasure about the way the men in their lives show up in romantic, parental, professional, and platonic relationships. Get on any platform where and search #Menaretrash, and you will find more than your fair share of content. Hit up your Googles, and type in “Men.” At least 83748378782, think pieces about the role we play or have abandoned in women's lives will pop up. For a lot of people, this has been hard to deal with. As a straight man who is trying my best to unlearn a lot about masculinity, while also attempting to be an ally, I have had trouble not feeling a way about some of the stuff flying out there. The two things that have kept me from losing my cool have been:

1. The frustration and criticism many women have for us right now aren’t new. They have always existed, but because of the way privilege is structured, very few people were willing to listen. As a result, we never had to pay attention.
   

2. I am a firm believer that people don’t just start off choosing violence, while everyone has a different threshold for when they hit their breaking point, almost everyone feels justified in getting there. If that’s the case, I have to ask myself, what has or has not been happening that has inspired what feels like an entire generation of women to have such a low view of men?
   

Men are not static creatures, and we can hold multiple roles in the lives of people we love, especially women. We can be their partners, lovers, friends, fathers, sons, brothers, and protectors. But we can also be some of their biggest oppressors and adversaries. This isn’t something men like to hear, but it’s true. Let’s dig into this a little bit.

Did you know that the number 2 killer of black women between the ages of 15-24 was a homicide? Who do you think is killing these women? No need to guess, according to the Violence Policy Center, it’s their spouses, usually a man.

“Compared to a black man, a black woman is far more likely to be killed by her spouse, an intimate acquaintance, or a family member than by a stranger. More than 10 times as a male murdered many black females they knew (492 victims) than were killed by male strangers (48 victims).”

Listen, I know this is a lot to take in, and if you’re like me, and it’s the first time someone is having this conversation with you, you probably feel like I’m putting the blame squarely on your shoulders. I’m not, and it is not all, or even specifically your fault. I think if you polled every single man in this country and asked them if they “loved women,” the overwhelming answer would be yes. I don’t doubt my or your love for the women in our lives. But what I do know is that we live in a world that has trained us to view “Manhood” in a certain way, and “Womanhood” in another, and like it or not, this socialization has directly impacted the way we treat the opposite sex. It means that whether you know it or not, meant to or not, you may have at one point in your life said or done something to negatively impact a sister in your life. 

Does that mean you’re beating women up, bashing them in your music or art? Probably not. But it might mean that you know someone who does. You might also know a few men who are a little too aggressive or have even “slipped up” a time or two and put their hands on a woman. Have you called them out on this, or was that none of your business? Maybe (hopefully) you don’t know any abusers, and you have never received any complaints about the way you or any of your friends treat women. However, if none of us have friends who are abusers or assaulters, who the hell is doing all of the abuse and assaulting of women?

I’ll leave you with this: Do you make space for women, do you purchase books written by female authors, would you listen to female rappers that weren’t half-naked and talking about sex, can you appreciate a woman without factoring in how she looks? If you saw someone harassing a woman in the streets, would you defend her?  Think deeply about your answers; when you’re done, ask yourself another question. Does every man in your life feel similarly? Finally, be honest with yourself about this. Because sure, it sucks to see and hear women saying things like “Men are Trash” or “men deserve less” but those feelings didn’t just magically appear. Even if she’s not talking about you, someone or someone’s helped her feel that way.