[Short Story] Some Heroes Need BBL'S

Let's take a break from the political and dive into some dystopian fantasy

Created with assistance from OpenAI's DALL·E tool.

I have a lot of thoughts after Trump’s not-so-surprising victory against Kamala Harris. I plan to share more political posts in the future, but I think there are enough takes at the moment, so this week, I want to have a little fun. The story you’re about to read exist in a world I have created from a book concept i’m cooking up. I don’t have an agent or a book deal, so the idea may never go further than my notes doc. But since the world and its people have been sitting in my head, I decided to tell a story from one of its unknown residents.

This piece is a little weird, and a little chaotic. Or at least, I hope it is. If you’re not looking for flash fiction, check out this post I wrote over the summer, arguing for Black people and Palestinians to stand together. I’ll come back next week with some political takes.

If you’re new, please consider subscribing. If you’re already on the list and have a few coins, consider upgrading to a paid subscriber. If you have commitment issues but want to contribute, you can buy me a coffee.

If you like my substack and want to discover other great writers, check out this directory from Marc Typo, The Cook-Out.

---

Everything was dark, the absence of light that feels so complete you begin to wonder if you exist. I try blinking, but nothing breaks through; I guess I really am alone. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks, “so this is what solitude feels like.” I exhale and the tightness in my chest recedes… slightly, but the butterfly’s in my stomach are still there, it feels like they’re locked in a fight with all of my demons. I close my eyes and sing the chorus to “I.” It was my mother’s favorite song before A.I. took over music creation. Kendricks’s lyrics fill my mind for a moment, and then the silence returns. “I am safe here, and nothing can hurt me.” Saying that aloud does very little to convince my overactive mind, but sometimes, saying the thing is more important than believing it.

Without thinking I reach forward, my hands are met with something firm, and my limbs tense, I can’t fuck this up. If I screw up this process, everything I have worked for would have been for nothing, I refuse. 

I feel planted to the ground; the moment's pressure is trying to weigh me down; I wiggle my left big toe; I’m still all there, and I remember no matter what is happening around you, there you are. With what feels like a thousand-pound weight on my chest, I slowly pull out the photo and shine a small flashlight; it developed; what a relief! Prize in hand, I slide out of the dark room, and 20 copies of feet pics accompany me.

Before you dismiss me, let me explain: these aren’t your run-of-the-mill photoshoot of toes; EYE have gone above and beyond for my clients. In this particular bundle, my feet are soaked in a cocktail of spam and oat milk. The solid and liquid look like they’re swallowing me whole, smooth skin suddenly being plundered by bits of spam meat, the image so vivid you can almost smell the chaos. The world Is full of criminally horny people, so these will sell fast. And once they do, I’ll be one step closer to paying for my height procedure bbl! 

When I first started this crusade, the idea of making enough money seemed nearly impossible, but for every foot picture I sold, I inched closer to my goal, and with every small sign of progress, I began to hope. I stretch my legs in anticipation of the length that would soon belong to them. This happens when you aspire to build a world with your own strength! After this procedure, I’ll go from 5 foot 3 to a towering 6’2, and with this increase, I can become a criminal influencer. 

Since the great collapse of 2029, 80% of the country has been homeless. The pressure of sleeping on the streets and surviving the elements has led many to insanity, which has, in turn, caused a huge spike in crime. The police don’t give a shit, and our politicians are empty suits. Besides mandating that digital influencers be paid a minimum wage, they have been quiet. But it was through this decision that we have seen the most significant shift.

The first sign of a new day happened on a rainy afternoon in 2034; a criminal was crying loudly on the sidewalk, disgustingly begging passers-by for some credit to get food. Suddenly, an old school camera phone popped up out of nowhere, and behind it was a man dressed in a tattered 3-piece suit and a red motorcycle helmet. He placed the phone on a crate, walked up to the homeless guy, and proceeded to beat the poverty out of him. It was quite a brutal sight! After the assault was over, he tied him up and called the cops. Watching that act of violence against a helpless criminal did something to the city. The video went viral, and “Speakuh Knocka” became the first “Criminal Influencer.” Since then, fighting crime for engagement has become a multi-million dollar industry. One that I would soon be joining!

Sure, I’ll have to start small, but I had unlimited growth potential. Currently, I’m living on the land named after a failed politician; it’s the perfect place to jump off my career. Cop City is littered with homeless and mentally ill “people”; it will be my duty to stop them in their filthy tracks, but unlike other heroes, I’ll add in some exciting banter and maybe feature a guest speaker to talk to us about the importance of positive masculinity. These tactics will help me stand out while also educating the masses. But before that, I need to make sure I have enough money to pay for this height procedure BBL.

Right now, people ignore me, but once I have doubled my size, I will be able to have any man, woman, they/them, or sex robot I desire. They will all learn that it truly matters not the size of the boat; but the motion in my ocean. This BBL height procedure will change everything for the better, most notably. Me. Life is hard when you’re this short, and in a world that prioritizes money, looks, and power, I have existed among people who barely see me. 

My thoughts are interrupted by the buzzing of my meta-chip; I close my eyes to look at the digital interface implanted into my frontal cortex. I can’t imagine a world where I was unable to dive into the depths of the internet instantly; reality is colored by those who have, leaving the rest of us to figure shit out on our own. 

My visuals are obstructed by ads for online gambling, lego porn, and video games; I consider renewing my subscription to Lego Only Fans when a buzzing grabs my attention.  I go to my messages, and I find the trigger.  Someone is offering two half bottles of Poland spring and $400 for three feet pics. Business is booming! I quickly accepted, and we agreed on a meeting place; I’ll have to cut through the slums, but its worth’s worth the risk. I place three-feet pics in an air-sealing folder, grab my rifle from its charging station, throw on my jacket, and exit my shed. This used to be the greatest city in the world, but after years of incompetent leadership from homosexual, transgender migrant activists, the city has crumbled. Truthfully, the entire world is on fire, but this is my little slice of hell. 

To Be Continued:

Congratulations, you made it to the end! This is a shift from my usual writing, so if you have thoughts, I would love to read them. What did you think of this dystopian future? Are you intrigued by this character? On a scale of 1-10, how weird was this? Would you read more? Feel free to leave your thoughts and feedback in the comments!