Compassion, interconnectedness, accountability and agency his ("he will have to choose differently") and our own: we can make different choices with the folks in our spheres
I can't remember who it is that always reminds me that liberation requires all of us... And you've beautifully brought me back to it
While also inviting me to turn toward the shadows I'd rather not see behind me
For 4. i think society congratulates men that strive for power and control it’s the whole system in America you work your hardest to get the top and only a handful really make it to the top and as we know the ideology that’s there is so interesting and also mad but internalised because of how long that same system has been in place. The majority follow that handful of people with money blindly almost ,they listen to what they say (some taking it as the bible) and worship them. That’s the power that comes with making it to the top and the validation from all these people is almost like a drug we can see this in Elons case from not having that same validation from his Dad but society promotes this behaviour in men they are more expected to talk and boast about wanting and having power and control even as children its more expected from boys to be adventurous, brave compared to girls which is a whole other thing. But society sees this as a good thing. He’s taking initiative, he’s determined, a hard worker but as we can see from this essay it gets so internalised they think that it’s what they have to do to keep getting that validation, they expect it from society. When they’ve made it and even when they haven’t made it. Yet society gives it to them happily it’s just a loop.
sorry that’s a FAT ramble, only my thoughts and opinions💕
This post reminded me of bell hooks who said that there is no love in the presence of abuse (or neglect). That freed me. She instead framed what we often mistake for love as care. She admitted that even in naming that love and abuse (or neglect) don't go together, it is so hard for us to accept the possibility that those who raised us didn't love us. I continue to wrestle with this, as it complicates how I think of my childhood. Thank you for writing, Stanley. To echo Ama, you really did walk the line here...but you never stumbled.
Couple of thoughts. One more broad, and another more personal:
1. You mentioned towards the end how Musk will have to start making different choices if he wants to do better. Ultimately, I agree with you in thinking that's not happening. I don't know, he just doesn't seem like the type to think he's ever wrong. Giving Kanye thinking he's actually a god vibes. I think instead, these men have to become cautionary tales. Not to the men who could end up like them, but to the parents who should do better by their kids. Actually, maybe to the children who grow up to be like that one day too. It could work in both ways I think.
2. Where I differ from this all too familiar story is my father was the present one in my life, and sometimes I almost felt like it was because he didn't want to be a stereotype (I'm sure there were other reasons too of course), but I remember how often he would get mad because I had this weird pediatrician growing up who would remind my dad at every appointment how important it was to not be an absent father. He took that really personally, and would gripe about it the entire drive home afterwards. I think he was perpetually afraid of being a bad father, but I also think that was because my grandfather wasn't so great to him. It's funny actually, he described him a lot like you described your father. He'd talk about how he could charm any woman he wanted, talk his way out of anything, was always so kind and charming... except when it came to my dad. I didn't know that man though. Before my grandfather died back in 2020, my dad always used to say 'The grandpa you know wasn't the dad I knew.' I think that ate at him. Like, why was he the exception? But I also think in some ways it was a cautionary tale to him. He couldn't end up like that. He had to be there, he had to be as present as possible, and when he was, he needed to do it with love. I appreciate him for that, I really do.
But... oops, I'm out here rambling. I could keep going on this, obviously.
Thanks for this great essay, clearly I've got a lot to reflect on now!
Thanks for reading and commenting, LL. My father was in my life as well and, for the most part, played a positive role, but like most other Black fathers, he parented under the shadow that Black fathers were not present. It was something he dealt with, and I always heard. It sounds like your grandfather and my father were a lot alike. The path to manhood has shifted in so many ways and men today tend to have a better chance of moving beyond played out ideas, but it doesn't erase what our people went through. I'm sending lots of love and understanding to your father and grandfather.
All these men have daddy issues. It's apparent to everyone. But it's despicable that they are taking their pain out on the world. Dr. Jay Barnett said, "the trauma may not be your fault, but healing is your responsibility." Personally I think the window for healing narrows dramatically the longer we wait to properly address trauma. And I think the windows are closing on them to the point where deathbed confessions to be in right standing with God are the most they can hope for. The damage they've done to the world is already past the point of expecting grace and forgiveness from people.
Wow. You walked the line
Compassion, interconnectedness, accountability and agency his ("he will have to choose differently") and our own: we can make different choices with the folks in our spheres
I can't remember who it is that always reminds me that liberation requires all of us... And you've beautifully brought me back to it
While also inviting me to turn toward the shadows I'd rather not see behind me
Thank you🙏🏿
✨🦋🐘✨
Thank you @ama, and thank you for always being down to listen to my rough drafts. Your input helps to sharpen the message
For 4. i think society congratulates men that strive for power and control it’s the whole system in America you work your hardest to get the top and only a handful really make it to the top and as we know the ideology that’s there is so interesting and also mad but internalised because of how long that same system has been in place. The majority follow that handful of people with money blindly almost ,they listen to what they say (some taking it as the bible) and worship them. That’s the power that comes with making it to the top and the validation from all these people is almost like a drug we can see this in Elons case from not having that same validation from his Dad but society promotes this behaviour in men they are more expected to talk and boast about wanting and having power and control even as children its more expected from boys to be adventurous, brave compared to girls which is a whole other thing. But society sees this as a good thing. He’s taking initiative, he’s determined, a hard worker but as we can see from this essay it gets so internalised they think that it’s what they have to do to keep getting that validation, they expect it from society. When they’ve made it and even when they haven’t made it. Yet society gives it to them happily it’s just a loop.
sorry that’s a FAT ramble, only my thoughts and opinions💕
I think you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for commenting
This post reminded me of bell hooks who said that there is no love in the presence of abuse (or neglect). That freed me. She instead framed what we often mistake for love as care. She admitted that even in naming that love and abuse (or neglect) don't go together, it is so hard for us to accept the possibility that those who raised us didn't love us. I continue to wrestle with this, as it complicates how I think of my childhood. Thank you for writing, Stanley. To echo Ama, you really did walk the line here...but you never stumbled.
Thank you @Rose! The will to change has had such a huge impact on me, I hope my words can connect to Hooks message
Couple of thoughts. One more broad, and another more personal:
1. You mentioned towards the end how Musk will have to start making different choices if he wants to do better. Ultimately, I agree with you in thinking that's not happening. I don't know, he just doesn't seem like the type to think he's ever wrong. Giving Kanye thinking he's actually a god vibes. I think instead, these men have to become cautionary tales. Not to the men who could end up like them, but to the parents who should do better by their kids. Actually, maybe to the children who grow up to be like that one day too. It could work in both ways I think.
2. Where I differ from this all too familiar story is my father was the present one in my life, and sometimes I almost felt like it was because he didn't want to be a stereotype (I'm sure there were other reasons too of course), but I remember how often he would get mad because I had this weird pediatrician growing up who would remind my dad at every appointment how important it was to not be an absent father. He took that really personally, and would gripe about it the entire drive home afterwards. I think he was perpetually afraid of being a bad father, but I also think that was because my grandfather wasn't so great to him. It's funny actually, he described him a lot like you described your father. He'd talk about how he could charm any woman he wanted, talk his way out of anything, was always so kind and charming... except when it came to my dad. I didn't know that man though. Before my grandfather died back in 2020, my dad always used to say 'The grandpa you know wasn't the dad I knew.' I think that ate at him. Like, why was he the exception? But I also think in some ways it was a cautionary tale to him. He couldn't end up like that. He had to be there, he had to be as present as possible, and when he was, he needed to do it with love. I appreciate him for that, I really do.
But... oops, I'm out here rambling. I could keep going on this, obviously.
Thanks for this great essay, clearly I've got a lot to reflect on now!
Thanks for reading and commenting, LL. My father was in my life as well and, for the most part, played a positive role, but like most other Black fathers, he parented under the shadow that Black fathers were not present. It was something he dealt with, and I always heard. It sounds like your grandfather and my father were a lot alike. The path to manhood has shifted in so many ways and men today tend to have a better chance of moving beyond played out ideas, but it doesn't erase what our people went through. I'm sending lots of love and understanding to your father and grandfather.
All these men have daddy issues. It's apparent to everyone. But it's despicable that they are taking their pain out on the world. Dr. Jay Barnett said, "the trauma may not be your fault, but healing is your responsibility." Personally I think the window for healing narrows dramatically the longer we wait to properly address trauma. And I think the windows are closing on them to the point where deathbed confessions to be in right standing with God are the most they can hope for. The damage they've done to the world is already past the point of expecting grace and forgiveness from people.
I think you’re right. My only hope is they don’t destroy this entire world and there’s something for them to depart