Revenge of the Nerds 2: Elon Musk, Fatherhood and Power

If you never face your past, it will eventually decide your future

Image Source: AP

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Earlier this year, I took a trip to Puerto Rico for my birthday; it was a big moment for me. After spending most of my life unable to enjoy the luxury of traveling, I booked a trip to one of my favorite islands. With seasonal depression leaning on me heavily, Puerto Rico’s sun, food, and culture were exactly what I needed to re-energize. As I type this, I can’t help but miss sitting in the sun, to journal and people watch in between.

On one of those days there, my partner and I went to Old San Juan, and after some friendly urging from her, I took a picture by the water. There wasn’t anything spectacular about my outfit, but it was a moment in time we both wanted to capture. Afterward, we looked at the photo, and she laughed, saying, “You look just like your father!” It’s funny, a couple of years ago, hearing something like that would have sent me down a rabbit hole of anger and confusion. I love my dad with all of my heart, I would do anything for him, but for a big part of my life, I did everything in my power to not become him

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What was I running from? I think it was the things that made him who he was: a kind man with a great sense of humor, the ability to charm his way out of any situation, a deep passion and love for nature, and a childhood that colored his interpretation of the world.

My father, without giving up too much of the family business, is caring, empathetic, and kind. He can also be emotionally unavailable, mean-spirited, and aloof. And while he didn’t have many vices, two impacted me deeply. The first was his insatiable appetite for women, I like to believe my father fell in love with every woman he saw, and in some idealized way, maybe he did, but there were far too many times when I felt like he chose those women, or what they could give him over me, that was the second vice.

So this post, despite starting off with a tidbit about my vacation, is a story about our fathers and how having or not having them in our lives can dominate our stories, the choices we make, and the people we eventually become. I have been paying a lot of attention to Elon Musk lately. It’s kind of hard not to, especially when he’s doing everything in his power to both dismantle the United States Government and take every penny he can find from it.

His actions in the White House, along with his funding of racist right-wing governments, have made it hard to see his humanity, but I promised myself that no matter what happened this time around, I would not fall into the trap of othering people. So when the anger over someone's actions starts to overwhelm me, I try to remember that they’re someone’s child. And Elon, though he might try to convince us he is a God, has a father. And their story is just as complicated as my fathers and I.

In a 2017 Rolling Stone interview, Elon described his father as an “evil man,” saying, “He was such a terrible human being. You have no idea, my dad will have a carefully thought-out plan of evil, he will plan evil.” When you take a moment to learn about his upbringing, the anger he feels towards his father makes sense. For the first eight years of Musk's life, he lived with both of his parents and according to his mother, Errol Musk was physically and verbally abusive. After their divorce, Errol married two more times and dated his stepdaughter from his second marriage; she later had his child. Errol has seven kids in total.

Now that we know his and his father's story, it’s time to take a deeper look at Elon; he’s been described as passionate, energetic, and full of ideas. A man who once wanted to create a business that could save us from the inevitable catastrophe of climate change. But something shifted somewhere along his journey, or maybe it didn’t. In the same Rolling Stones feature I mentioned earlier, Elon shared something else about himself. While processing his recent breakup with Actress Amber Hurd, Musk confessed a fear of being alone.

“When I was a child, there’s one thing I said,” Musk continues. His demeanor is stiff, yet in the sheen of his eyes and the trembling of his lips, a high tide of emotion is visible, pushing against the retaining walls. “‘I never want to be alone.’ That’s what I would say.” His voice drops to a whisper. “I don’t want to be alone.”

When May and Errol Musk divorced, Elon chose to live with his father; it was a decision that led to many days of isolation and attempts to earn the Love of someone incapable of giving it. There’s no fault in those attempts; for a long time, I wondered why my dad was always willing to choose a woman over me, why my transgressions were ultimate betrayals, but his romantic partners could do no wrong, why I was never enough, but a stranger could be everything. I spent a lot of time and energy fighting to be seen, but one day, I realized what I was looking for probably wouldn’t happen. I know my father loves me, but he can’t give me what I desire because he doesn’t have it to give. That realization was painful but necessary because now I could do the work so I would be able to show up for my future children. That work, like most things, is a journey.

As for Elon, I don’t think he’s gotten to that point; I believe what we’re seeing from him is what happens when our undressed traumas get projected onto others, and those projections are amplified through a staggering amount of wealth. After spending so much energy trying to be the opposite of who his father was, Elon is the mirror image in many ways. Like Errol, Musk has multiple children, 14 to be exact. Like Errol, his relationship with the mothers of his children seems to be tumultuous at best, like his father, Elon’s relationship with his adult children seemed strained at best.

But unlike his father, Elon’s trauma can cause damage to millions of people; we’re witnessing this in real time. Here’s the saddest part: his story may be grandiose, but like mine and others, it is not strange, its another example of the dark road we can go down in a society that tells men our value is in our ability to make money or to exhibit power through control. Long after their divorce, Errol Musk tried to control his ex-wife May by filing multiple child custody lawsuits; he’s tried to control Elon’s Ceiling by belittling him publicly and privately.

As if to one-up his father, Elon bought one of the biggest social media platforms in the country to control the political narrative. He has used his money and influence to play King Maker for president, and now that his preferred candidate has won, he’s ravaging our government and funding right-wing leaders in Europe. He does all of this while one of the mothers of his children begs for him to help with their Child's medical needs on his social media platform.

I don’t think this is the person he wants to be, but it is the man he has become, and once again, we as a society have to learn the hard way that when we don’t show up for each other, we’ll eventually pay the price. This doesn’t have to be how Elon’s story ends, but at this stage, he will have to choose differently, and I’m not sure that he will. But while he tries to destroy everything around him to find his father's love, we can offer a hand and care to the millions of people who need support, empathy, kindness, and understanding, if we’re willing to do that, we might be able to put an end to the pandemic of vengeful nerds.

Congratulations, you made it to the end! I would love to get your thoughts on this post, got any comments? Here’s some questions you to help get the juices flowing:

Absolutely! Here’s a more casual and personal version of the questions without mentioning "the author":

1. How do you think Elon Musk’s relationship with his dad has influenced how he acts and makes decisions as an adult?

2. Do you see any similarities between his story and people you know—or even yourself?

3. The essay talks about how some men chase power and control to deal with childhood wounds. Do you think society lets this happen too easily? What do you think we could do to change it?

4. I shared how I realized my dad couldn’t give me what he didn’t have. Have you ever had a moment like that with a parent or someone close to you? How did it change the way you saw them or yourself?