Maybe Marriage Isn't the Prize

What Cam doesn't understand is that the rules have changed.

Thanks for being a subscriber to Let's Not Be Trash. If you’re new here, we (mostly me, Evan J. Mastronardi, and Karina Maria Write about patriarchy, politics, race, culture, music, and ruminations. The goal is to discuss important issues in a digestible and relatable way because nobody wants to read a Ted Talk.

If you’re new, please consider subscribing. If you’re already on the list and have a few coins, consider upgrading to a paid subscriber. If you have commitment issues but want to contribute, you can buy me a coffee.

If you like my substack and want to discover other great writers, check out this directory from Marc Typo, The Cook-Out.

---

On August 23rd of this year, retired Football player Cam Newton, best known for his dynamic play on the field and chaotic hat choices, brought Dr. Cheyenne Bryant to his show. Since retiring from the NFL, Cam has responded to the oversaturation of men who don’t read, starting podcasts by making one of his own. The public response to this transition has been mixed. While most people respect his sports takes, he’s caused varying levels of confusion and discomfort when trying to cover topics on which it isn’t clear he has any knowledge, for example, women.

During an interview on the podcast “Million Dollars Worth of Game,” Newton drew anger when he claimed there was a difference between a “Traditional woman” and a “Bad Bitch” saying, “A woman for me is handling your own but knowing how to cater to a man’s needs… I think a lot of times when you get that aesthetic of ‘I’m a boss bitch, Imma this, Imma that.’ No, baby. But you can’t cook. You don’t know when to be quiet. You don’t know how to allow a man to lead.”

Although Newton claimed his comments were taken out of context, his response video didn’t help clarify whatever he felt was “lost in translation.” Despite desperate pleas from most of the waking world for him to shut the fuck up stick to sports, Newton hasn’t stopped discussing the role of women and relationships. On this episode of his podcast, he decided to spar with Dr. Cheyenne on the topic, but it didn’t go the way he had expected.

Cam’s ideas about women and relationships are not on the fringe; I would argue that many men and some women agree. They believe women will only date men if they have money, power, or strength; they consider men with those attributes to be people of “High Value” and allow privileges other men aren’t given.

In other words, an “Alpha Male.” The late social media influencer Kevin Samuels felt the same way and, before his death, was building a movement around the idea that men who weren’t “Alpha’s” were weak, and women over the age of 30 and with kids should be considered “damaged goods.” His death hasn’t slowed the movement; it just created a lane for men like Cam and others to rise from the musty shadows of delusion to take his place.

Usually, Cam does an excellent job of maintaining control of his interview, mastering the skill of disarming guests with his Southern charm while dominating the space with his presence. Unfortunately, Dr. Cheyenne would allow no such thing to happen and immediately began tearing all his arguments apart, calling him out for creating “Broken Homes” and destroying his claim that he could “mold women into whatever he wants.” Cam, clearly outmatched, spent most of the interview on the defensive, trying and failing to poke illogical holes into Dr. Cheyenne’s arguments.

It didn’t take long before commentary about his performance dominated on and offline. Soon after, as if to respond to the criticism, Cam’s team published a shorter video of their discussion with the title, “You're a 41-year-old Relationship Coach, but you're still single??”  We don’t know the intentions behind the title, but it reads as someone trying to belittle Dr. Cheyenne for not having a husband or children. Does this make her a failure? According to Cam’s supporters, it does. If I could ask Cam or other men who think this one question, it would be, “What do straight women get out of being married?”

Stick with me for a second; there was a time when women didn’t have access to education, ownership, or employment opportunities. In that context, marriage could be seen as an important step toward survival; fortunately for all of us, that is not the world we currently live in. In fact, as of 2024, women CEOs make up 10% of Fortune 500 companies, and we have now reached the point where “young women are out-earning young men in some cities.”If the studies are correct, women orgasm less often with men than they do with women.

So, what are the perks of marrying? If a woman wants to have children, there are plenty of spaces to adopt, and science may soon allow women to have kids without men. Men as romantic partners are not a necessity for a happy life, and in some cases, they are a hindrance or an active physical threat.

That doesn’t mean we aren’t necessary or don’t deserve love; we do, but we have to abandon these broken ideas about who we are supposed to be. If we want to be in women’s lives, we must be the kind of people worth being around. Maybe there was a time when the ideas that people like Cam and Andrew Tate spew out were necessary, but the world they’re fighting for is gone, and for good reason. In their reality, women are not people, and men only have value if they can produce. The world moved along with these as the dominant ideas for a long time. But now we understand the consequences of this. Millions of men struggle with anxiety and depression because of the insane standards this world puts on us. As a result, more men are committing suicide, becoming active shooters, or killing their spouses.

We can choose to be different and break these generational curses. However, the only way to create an idea of masculinity that feels good is to look within; we have always had the answers to these big problems. Take me; after spending years feeling angry and confused, I decided I would stop battling the world and try to be the change I wanted; it was through this journey I discovered what manhood meant to me. My masculinity might look different from yours, but every interpretation matters. For me, a “real man” is a person who cares about themselves and others, so they put in the work to water themselves and their relationships. It’s someone kind, patient, loving, and interested in the world. It’s someone who allows themselves to be present in the world and feel, even when it’s painful. It’s someone who creates the space to understand those feelings/emotions and learn how to live with them. This new man doesn’t have to be perfect because the lord knows I will never be. But they try their best every day to do good. That’s the type of man I am striving to become, a perpetual work in progress, but the type of work that fills you and the ones you love with pride.

Congrats, you made it to the end! What did you think? Leave a comment, and lets have a conversation:

1. What do you think of Cam’s ideas on Masculinity?

2. Did I say something that made you think?

3. Would you have said something different?

4. What sticks out the most to you?