This was an emotionally vulnerable and brave piece, so bravo for that. I struggle with all the same issues that you do. I wish I had answers because avoiding emotional and physical intimacy leads to extreme loneliness. I think that’s where many of us are at.
This reminds me of a conversation we don’t really talk about as children of immigrants. Our parents did their best, but that came with a cost. Appreciate you, man.
I agree this is a deeply vulnerable piece of writing, thank you Stanley. I personally found myself learning how to love, how to treat others, and how to honor the rights of others as I got older and surrounded myself with people with good character. Growing up, my parents (immigrants) modeled survival mode, working multiple jobs and did the best they could and gave the best foundation. Queens New York is all hustle and that environment was not about love... more like, fear. I was afraid of my neighbors, of random acts of racism and violence all the time. But as an adult and a parent, I expect myself to be more and do more because I am not in the same mindset of survival. What does it mean to feel .. it starts with naming the discomfort and disconnect that we habituate ourselves to. I'm not a man, but I've been told I think like one (lol, not in a good way) so I've had to undo a lot of my reactions like trying to flee when someone starts to cry or getting more aggressive if someone shows weakness. It's a lifelong process! Thanks for asking the question
This really resonated for me, thank you for being vulnerable and having the courage to share. I’m unpacking some similar types of observations as I decide to open myself up to love again, and it’s scary AF. But like most shadow work (and horror movies) once you are bold enough to face the monster, understand where it comes from, it’s power diminishes and it turns into just some old hurt that got buried and ignored. And hearing other people muddling through the same things is so affirming!
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable piece, Stanley. Our ideas of love often feel so warped, don't they! I find myself in similar spirals of anxious thoughts not allowing me to let love in. There's always this fear of mine that it will find my home to hot or too cold or the couch is too worn out and lumpy. I imagine they will quietly make their way to the door and walk out while my back is turned. We owe it to ourselves to trust we deserve to let love in, and if it needs to step out, it can. There is plenty of love already in us, in the homes we build. And there will always be more love on the otherside of the door just waiting for us to let it in.
This is such an important conversation. The old standard of a man being emotionless and unfeeling, powering through life with a stiff upper lip, is no longer sustainable as model. This is why men lead in preventable death, suicide, substance abuse, violence, etc.
Took me a looooong time to trust anyone's love after being hurt repeatedly by the ones who I'm blood related to. Once I found a romantic love, I put that wall up cuz I jist didn't trust his intentions. But he was patient and consistent in showing he had my best intentions at heart. Its hard to trust loving someone and being loved when you've not witnessed love in a healthy way, you know what I mean? My fiancee also has expressed the same feelings you have Stanley. Its not uncommon but its something that csn be worked through and made better. Great article 😁
Very helpful and thought-provoking reflection. Been reflecting on similar themes in my own life, and your piece helped me put language to what I had trouble articulating. Thank you for this!
Of course, it is! Who wouldn’t want to protect themselves from losing something precious to them? You’ve noticed that those defenses don’t always help you show up in love the way you want to and that’s important.
The irony of this piece is that you already know the answer to your question, even if you don’t see it — vulnerability.
I sometimes think that unconditional love is the province of the divine. Humans are messy and complicated and while we’re all still worthy of love, most of our day to day loves are conditional. Still, because these relationships matter to us, they’re worth fighting for.
I think of this as motivation.
If I don’t show up consistently the way I need to in my relationships, I risk losing them. So, I have to work to be better than my natural self most days as a partner, parent, relative, and friend. That’s true even when I’m sensitive, paranoid, frustrated, scared.
This is turning into an impromptu Some Men post, so I’ll leave you with this question: What if you know exactly how to love and be loved?
“What if this person is putting on a front? What if they’re lying, or even worse, what if they plan to take their love away? What if the ones who say they love me are being truthful, but someone is trying to change their mind? Or take them away from me? What if I’m a fraud, and once the people in my life realize this, they will turn their backs on me?” Damn, do I ever RELATE. Thank you for articulating that cognitive dissonance so perfectly.
It is possible to know love when you are willing to heal and provide yourself the love you lacked as a child.
My Jamaican immigrant father didn’t get the same love in his home that he was able to give back to his family and the communities he served. I observed his determination to heal and improve and ultimately teach other men how to show love with humility.
Men leading learning love and emotion is the revolution we need.
This was an emotionally vulnerable and brave piece, so bravo for that. I struggle with all the same issues that you do. I wish I had answers because avoiding emotional and physical intimacy leads to extreme loneliness. I think that’s where many of us are at.
This reminds me of a conversation we don’t really talk about as children of immigrants. Our parents did their best, but that came with a cost. Appreciate you, man.
Thank for this beautiful piece and stunning honesty. Deep love and bows to you. This was moving!
We need to learn new skill sets that most of us didn't learn from our parents.
I agree this is a deeply vulnerable piece of writing, thank you Stanley. I personally found myself learning how to love, how to treat others, and how to honor the rights of others as I got older and surrounded myself with people with good character. Growing up, my parents (immigrants) modeled survival mode, working multiple jobs and did the best they could and gave the best foundation. Queens New York is all hustle and that environment was not about love... more like, fear. I was afraid of my neighbors, of random acts of racism and violence all the time. But as an adult and a parent, I expect myself to be more and do more because I am not in the same mindset of survival. What does it mean to feel .. it starts with naming the discomfort and disconnect that we habituate ourselves to. I'm not a man, but I've been told I think like one (lol, not in a good way) so I've had to undo a lot of my reactions like trying to flee when someone starts to cry or getting more aggressive if someone shows weakness. It's a lifelong process! Thanks for asking the question
This really resonated for me, thank you for being vulnerable and having the courage to share. I’m unpacking some similar types of observations as I decide to open myself up to love again, and it’s scary AF. But like most shadow work (and horror movies) once you are bold enough to face the monster, understand where it comes from, it’s power diminishes and it turns into just some old hurt that got buried and ignored. And hearing other people muddling through the same things is so affirming!
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable piece, Stanley. Our ideas of love often feel so warped, don't they! I find myself in similar spirals of anxious thoughts not allowing me to let love in. There's always this fear of mine that it will find my home to hot or too cold or the couch is too worn out and lumpy. I imagine they will quietly make their way to the door and walk out while my back is turned. We owe it to ourselves to trust we deserve to let love in, and if it needs to step out, it can. There is plenty of love already in us, in the homes we build. And there will always be more love on the otherside of the door just waiting for us to let it in.
This is such an important conversation. The old standard of a man being emotionless and unfeeling, powering through life with a stiff upper lip, is no longer sustainable as model. This is why men lead in preventable death, suicide, substance abuse, violence, etc.
Took me a looooong time to trust anyone's love after being hurt repeatedly by the ones who I'm blood related to. Once I found a romantic love, I put that wall up cuz I jist didn't trust his intentions. But he was patient and consistent in showing he had my best intentions at heart. Its hard to trust loving someone and being loved when you've not witnessed love in a healthy way, you know what I mean? My fiancee also has expressed the same feelings you have Stanley. Its not uncommon but its something that csn be worked through and made better. Great article 😁
Very helpful and thought-provoking reflection. Been reflecting on similar themes in my own life, and your piece helped me put language to what I had trouble articulating. Thank you for this!
This was absolutely beautiful Stanely.
This hit home as a someone who's still on the journey of healing and wholeness.
You ask whether this is normal.
Of course, it is! Who wouldn’t want to protect themselves from losing something precious to them? You’ve noticed that those defenses don’t always help you show up in love the way you want to and that’s important.
The irony of this piece is that you already know the answer to your question, even if you don’t see it — vulnerability.
I sometimes think that unconditional love is the province of the divine. Humans are messy and complicated and while we’re all still worthy of love, most of our day to day loves are conditional. Still, because these relationships matter to us, they’re worth fighting for.
I think of this as motivation.
If I don’t show up consistently the way I need to in my relationships, I risk losing them. So, I have to work to be better than my natural self most days as a partner, parent, relative, and friend. That’s true even when I’m sensitive, paranoid, frustrated, scared.
This is turning into an impromptu Some Men post, so I’ll leave you with this question: What if you know exactly how to love and be loved?
“What if this person is putting on a front? What if they’re lying, or even worse, what if they plan to take their love away? What if the ones who say they love me are being truthful, but someone is trying to change their mind? Or take them away from me? What if I’m a fraud, and once the people in my life realize this, they will turn their backs on me?” Damn, do I ever RELATE. Thank you for articulating that cognitive dissonance so perfectly.
I hope you re-post this every year.
Nice piece.
It is possible to know love when you are willing to heal and provide yourself the love you lacked as a child.
My Jamaican immigrant father didn’t get the same love in his home that he was able to give back to his family and the communities he served. I observed his determination to heal and improve and ultimately teach other men how to show love with humility.