I have a fantasy about the kind of world where sexual violence is eradicated. Where women aren't prey. Where people care for their own sexual needs without becoming predatorial on dates.
I'm one of those statistics. I never thought it would happen to me. Dating changed dramatically after that. Only meet them in the light of day. No drinks on first dates. Meet in public places only.
May we create a safer world.
(Interestingly I also wrote about a similar topic this week, about women fielding unwelcome attention)
This is real. We don’t raise boys with respect for women anymore. We allow music and pop culture to raise them which means all they know is objectification and over-sexualization.
I think you also have to consider the warping impact of feeling like you’re simultaneously supposed to be on guard and sexually interested against the same person/risk. Those two networks- survival and arousal - aren’t natural partners. It’s a tough shift to make and you can see the vast relief on women’s faces when we’re interacting with a man that we perceive as “safe”… because then we are free to relax and let whatever other response (maybe arousal, maybe something more platonic) happens, happen.
This is a great point. I wrote something else about if you operate from the standpoint (as a hetero man in this case) of someone else’s comfort (and your own) being
the top priority, generally, there is a lot less confusion. If you’re trying to “get” someone to do something — you’re already approaching this from the wrong, and sometimes dangerous, angle
The study data are that 35% of 18-24 women in college had experience some kind of sexual assault. If one person within this study had 100 dates and another person had 4 dates all it would take is one instance of sexual assault to be a data point. So no, it’s not implying on any singular date. It’s implying during this age range at some pint dating you are doing an activity in which 35% other people (assuming representative sample) experience sexual assault at some point.
That doesn't work. Keep trying and you'll create firmer beliefs in danger. Again: does the author think that banning dating will reduce sexual assaults by 35%? If so, then a social authority is in order to separate the sexes and teach them about the dangers of mingling with one another. If dating led to at 35% murder rate (and I'm not buying that 35% of dates end in rape), the same would apply. So I assume the same urgency is asked for here - the separation of the sexes until the re-education of males is complete and the establishment of the idea of absolute danger in commingling of the sexes is codified.
Islam has tried this whole separating the sexes. The countries that impose its framework are not bastions of sexual safety for women. So no, banning dating does not help.
Exactly, and it exists in the strict interpretation of Catholicism & the Hasidic/Orthodox Jews as well. It’s also just not even viable to “ban” dating. Don’t even know what that is.
That study, which is just one example — I could also just show the national statistic that 1 in 3 women report sexual assault at some point in their life (and the whole thing is underreported), but there is a unique threat women face to date men that men should be aware of as they interact with women. For empathy; for their actions in and outside of romantic contexts; and to be an example to other men how NOT to do that shit, so we can significantly reduce that percentage
Men are trash. Lets face it. When it comes how we treat other genders, we suck. And the more men realize that and start seeing what women have been experiencing since the dawn of patriarchy, the more things can change. The more men let go of their perceived master of the universe BS that patriarchy has them believe, the better.
Yes, but it truly starts young. No one is born trash in anything. We internalize these things unchecked for so long & then when it’s finally time to interrogate these beliefs there’s been so much damage done, aspects validated, etc.
Its so hard to challenge these beliefs within. It takes a lot of intentional work. And still there will be mistakes and missteps. But I do have hope that things can change.
My brother is in Med school, this week their studies are focusing on domestic violence and he really learned, not just by staring at statistics, how much male partners are a threat to females safety — especially when pregnant. It led to a long, thoughtful call between us. I’m grateful for people who are willing to do this type of reflection. Thank you! And I hope your four-legged son is well!
"Sweet Summer Child" took me out😂😂😂 But in all seriousness, thank you for writing THIS👏🏾👏🏾 It reminds me once again of the HORRIBLE story of the twins girls that were harassed and then assaulted with a knife by a man they rejected. One twin died from her injuries...19 YEARS OLD.As a woman, I am terrified every day of that happening to me or my daughter who travels alone to school.
That story was terrible, and we are so desensitized to it. Even just being desensitized to violence in general is a problem—but within that the notion that “men just kill women” —or the other side, not seeing the gendered violence component of this as all are glaring issues we fail to address as a society.
And thank you— I am truly happy this resonated while giving a laugh
It's unfortunate how few men acknowledge and understand this plight when sex crimes are shockingly common against women.
Thank you for sharing your experience and trying to educate others to be more decent and empathetic.
I have a fantasy about the kind of world where sexual violence is eradicated. Where women aren't prey. Where people care for their own sexual needs without becoming predatorial on dates.
I'm one of those statistics. I never thought it would happen to me. Dating changed dramatically after that. Only meet them in the light of day. No drinks on first dates. Meet in public places only.
May we create a safer world.
(Interestingly I also wrote about a similar topic this week, about women fielding unwelcome attention)
This is real. We don’t raise boys with respect for women anymore. We allow music and pop culture to raise them which means all they know is objectification and over-sexualization.
I think you also have to consider the warping impact of feeling like you’re simultaneously supposed to be on guard and sexually interested against the same person/risk. Those two networks- survival and arousal - aren’t natural partners. It’s a tough shift to make and you can see the vast relief on women’s faces when we’re interacting with a man that we perceive as “safe”… because then we are free to relax and let whatever other response (maybe arousal, maybe something more platonic) happens, happen.
This is a great point. I wrote something else about if you operate from the standpoint (as a hetero man in this case) of someone else’s comfort (and your own) being
the top priority, generally, there is a lot less confusion. If you’re trying to “get” someone to do something — you’re already approaching this from the wrong, and sometimes dangerous, angle
Your article is based on an implication you make that 35% of dates end in rape which I don't think you mean to imply.
The study data are that 35% of 18-24 women in college had experience some kind of sexual assault. If one person within this study had 100 dates and another person had 4 dates all it would take is one instance of sexual assault to be a data point. So no, it’s not implying on any singular date. It’s implying during this age range at some pint dating you are doing an activity in which 35% other people (assuming representative sample) experience sexual assault at some point.
If you banned dating, you'd reduce sexual assault by 35%?
There's also the option to educate people about sexual assault and teach men about consent, and boundaries.
That doesn't work. Keep trying and you'll create firmer beliefs in danger. Again: does the author think that banning dating will reduce sexual assaults by 35%? If so, then a social authority is in order to separate the sexes and teach them about the dangers of mingling with one another. If dating led to at 35% murder rate (and I'm not buying that 35% of dates end in rape), the same would apply. So I assume the same urgency is asked for here - the separation of the sexes until the re-education of males is complete and the establishment of the idea of absolute danger in commingling of the sexes is codified.
That doesn't work.
[citation needed].
Followed by your academic research qualifiications.
Islam has tried this whole separating the sexes. The countries that impose its framework are not bastions of sexual safety for women. So no, banning dating does not help.
Exactly, and it exists in the strict interpretation of Catholicism & the Hasidic/Orthodox Jews as well. It’s also just not even viable to “ban” dating. Don’t even know what that is.
That study, which is just one example — I could also just show the national statistic that 1 in 3 women report sexual assault at some point in their life (and the whole thing is underreported), but there is a unique threat women face to date men that men should be aware of as they interact with women. For empathy; for their actions in and outside of romantic contexts; and to be an example to other men how NOT to do that shit, so we can significantly reduce that percentage
This needs to be talked about more, SO many men don't get it.
Men are trash. Lets face it. When it comes how we treat other genders, we suck. And the more men realize that and start seeing what women have been experiencing since the dawn of patriarchy, the more things can change. The more men let go of their perceived master of the universe BS that patriarchy has them believe, the better.
Yes, but it truly starts young. No one is born trash in anything. We internalize these things unchecked for so long & then when it’s finally time to interrogate these beliefs there’s been so much damage done, aspects validated, etc.
Fortunately, my daddy was such a massive fuckup I knew I was going to handle things differently as far back as I could remember.
I didn’t always handle them correctly. But I knew he was doing it wrong.
Its so hard to challenge these beliefs within. It takes a lot of intentional work. And still there will be mistakes and missteps. But I do have hope that things can change.
My brother is in Med school, this week their studies are focusing on domestic violence and he really learned, not just by staring at statistics, how much male partners are a threat to females safety — especially when pregnant. It led to a long, thoughtful call between us. I’m grateful for people who are willing to do this type of reflection. Thank you! And I hope your four-legged son is well!
First off, I’m glad that’s even part of med school. But I’m happy these things led to a thoughtful discussion.
My 4 legged son is just chillen while not being able to be claimed as a dependent
"Sweet Summer Child" took me out😂😂😂 But in all seriousness, thank you for writing THIS👏🏾👏🏾 It reminds me once again of the HORRIBLE story of the twins girls that were harassed and then assaulted with a knife by a man they rejected. One twin died from her injuries...19 YEARS OLD.As a woman, I am terrified every day of that happening to me or my daughter who travels alone to school.
That story was terrible, and we are so desensitized to it. Even just being desensitized to violence in general is a problem—but within that the notion that “men just kill women” —or the other side, not seeing the gendered violence component of this as all are glaring issues we fail to address as a society.
And thank you— I am truly happy this resonated while giving a laugh