Does Anyone Give a F*ck About Men?
A couple of years ago while watching a Chris Rock Special on Netflix, the comedian made a joke that rang both funny and personally triggering. What did he say? Well, according to Rock, while women have it much harder than men, “Only the elderly, Women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. Men are only loved on the condition that they can provide something.” Rock's comment was funny, but he’s getting at something that I would argue every man has felt. Society may give us the ability to be privileged, pays us more, and acknowledges our rights much faster than women, but the “perks” of manhood come with a huge cost. Our humanity.
The social contract to receive the benefits of manhood isn’t cheap. It requires many of us to embrace the idea that we shouldn’t feel any emotions, and instead suck up any pain that could exist, it requires us to be the ultimate providers, no matter what. And if we cannot provide, or fulfill the duties that we have been assigned, that failure lands directly on us. In recent years, men have begun to push back against these ideas, some have identified patriarchy as the harmful tool that creates these standards, but for every man who goes to therapy and begins to do the work to decolonize his mind, ten more find unhealthy outlets, that does nothing more than feed their growing hurt and anger.
The “Men's Rights” movement doesn’t just exist because a group of men wanted to organize their shitty behaviors on a larger scale. The movement and its many leaders are speaking to a group of people who feel like they are being ostracized and ignored. For all of the social capital that men are believed to have, many of us feel like we have no agency. As the world changes, and we all try to shift from the evils of patriarchy, we aren’t doing enough of the work to bring men along, in some cases, we are pushing them away. With that current vacuum, influencers like Kevin Samuels and groups like Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) are grabbing their attention instead.
These bad actors are giving men unhealthy tools to thrive in a world that believes men are to be nothing but unfeeling machines that only express themselves through sex and violence. This world tells us that sex must be with a woman, and if for some reason we're not interested in it, then something is wrong with us. This manifest in the way we and men respond to the world around us.
Think about it, we have countless generations of men who were sexually violated as young boys, and they believe it was consensual. I am one of those men, it’s been 30 years, and I still have trouble acknowledging that what happened to me wasn't consensual, it couldn’t be. I know a lot of men who share similar experiences, but the world told them they should have enjoyed it, so instead of processing what happened, they brag about it, or suppress the thought.
For example, during In an interview with VladTv, comedian DeRay Davis shared a story of how he was sexually violated. In the interview, DeRay describes two women who were friends of his mom making him give them oral sex when he was 11 years old. If this was a woman, we would all be mortified. Instead, the host laughed. What happened to DeRay is why It took me 30 years to acknowledge what happened to me, it’s why a lot of men will never open up about the harm they have experienced.
To be clear, the goal of this essay isn’t to upset my readers, or to start a debate about who is the “most oppressed.” my goal is to ring the alarm, men are struggling, we want to be better, we want your help, but it feels like the world would rather give us a blueprint for how to function, and then punish us for trying to live up to it. If something doesn’t give, we will all suffer for this.
Men, especially Black men, are told to Man Up all the time (Which is precarious). Charlagmane the God (Shook One) stated that going to therapy, which I he and I believe in it, some view it as being pusillanimous.