Confessions of a Criminally Horny Lover Boy

What's the line between love, lust, and delusion

Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric: https://www.pexels.com/photo/sliced-orange-fruit-on-orange-background-4860417/

Recently, I have found myself interested in creating characters and scenarios based on what I receive from the world. This post came from an essay I read from

P.E. Moskowitz

titled “Art is Now Porn” In it, they discussed the way much of our content has turned into a dopamine hit. After reading their review of “The Challengers” movie, I decided I wanted to take a shot at writing about sex in a way that highlighted desire and want without actually going all in. The character reflects many other men I have met in the world and me, so I tried to paint him with an honest brush but a little humorous. I’m not sharing this with my email list, so if you’re reading this, it’s because you’re going through the archives or saw me mention it on notes; so if you like it, hate it, or have thoughts, please let me know.

May 14th, 2016, 7:22 AM

Dear Diary, I think I love her. No, I’m quite sure of it. After spending so many years looking for the one that would fill the void, I feel complete when I’m in space with you. This love is true, and if I had all of the power in the world, I would set up a domain expansion that we could prosper in forever. I’m locked in; no one else can break our bond, and the deeper into you I fall, the less interest I have in ever coming up for air.

They say men have wandering eyes, but I don’t believe that. Sure, we all love women, and how could we not? When God created Adam, she was trying shit out, but Eve was a manifestation of all of her lessons learned; I consider it divine perfection. In what world would we not want to explore every miracle she’s breathed her essence into? At our core, we are nothing but the children of God, and for our lord and savior, we shall always have a desire to worship.

However, as infatuated with discovering every woman one can be, we silently yearn for the girl who will give us the strength to sit still. After years of dashing across the hamster wheel, fucking to feel like a man, asking an endless list of faceless candidates what their favorite color is, and a few embarrassing moments of speedy climaxes, I think I found mine. I feel safe when she holds me in her smile, I feel alive every time we touch, I guess this is what it’s like to be in love, I doubt anything could come between us.

May 25th, 2016, 9:22 pm

Dear diary, I know it sounds silly, but I have been struck again. I can’t quite explain it, or maybe I can, but I have found the manifestation of my dreams on an Instagram screen. Sure, I told you earlier about the woman I hope to spend the rest of my life with, but there is something romantic about a night. Think about it: in the passing of an evening, we can lock eyes, lock lips, part thighs, press hips, and create a world that is just for us. That’s what I think about as I look at the IG page for this goddess. I’m obsessed; her profile covers my screen, and it’s the best thing to ever happen to my phone. Thick thighs, brown eyes, and full lips. I wonder what it would feel like to run my hands against her skin, if we locked eyes would she be able to hide all of her secrets, or would she breathe softly and let me see what was truly rumbling beneath the wind?

June 1st, 2016, 11:27 am

Dear Diary, I don’t know how to say this, but the love of my life is leaving me! No, not my girlfriend, she’s around here somewhere, probably trying to figure out what happened to my instagram tryst. She’s irrelevant, and I’m talking about the queen I met at Applebees. Her skin was the color of the golden hour, honey yellow with speckles of brown and bursting with light. She wore long black braids with a little red at the tip as if she was already parading the blood from my broken heart. I knew our love would be temporary, but the promises we made in the bathroom felt like blood ties; the way she held my glance while I held her against the wall felt permanent, but now I’m eating my boneless wings, and she’s nowhere to be found. In the short time we had together, I felt alive, felt like I finally filled a hole that was impossible to close, and now here I am, searching for that thing once again, maybe love wasn’t meant for me.