Why are We All so Afraid of Each Other?

An Eye for an Eye leaves us all blind, but I'm still not ready to stand down.

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A couple of days ago I published an essay pleading with my readers to have empathy. To not let the craziness of this world drive them to their individual corners and start to forget that we are all humans trying our best. While I am not perfect and constantly need to be reminded to follow my own advice, I believed every word in that post. We can dislike the evil that people do, but we shouldn’t root for, or celebrate their death. And we also shouldn’t look to cause harm to others, because violence, although pitched as an effective tool, does nothing but create more violence. The world that I believe in, is one built from love. That essay was a reflection of the hopefulness I was willing through my body while struggling to make sense of the moment. But here’s something you wouldn’t have known unless you could track my search history. An hour after publishing that heartfelt post, and after spending some time on Twitter, I opened a new tab and started searching for information on how to get my gun license. My life is a symphony of contradictions.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with me, it may not raise an eyebrow that I was suddenly in search of the tools that would give me access to a weapon. But if you know me, even a little, you understand the relationship that I have had with weapons and violence, and why this news could be troubling. Let me explain.

I have had a multi dimensional relationship with guns. I have faced down the barrel of one, unsure if it was the last thing I would ever see. I have stood behind it, lonely, and terrified of everything. The cold steel weighed a ton, I thought freedom was one trigger pull away, but couldn’t bring myself to reach that Nirvana. I have been in the proximity of gunshots, they have rained past me, interrupted quiet nights, turned beautiful summer days into chaotic nightmares, I have found shell casings, had my own gun, held one my father was hiding in the house. And as much as I have engaged with and been around guns, gunshots and gun violence, they have never represented anything good, they have never brought me joy.

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What Is True Autonomy In An Increasingly Fascist Society?

They have on many occasions represented the bubble of fear, resentment, loneliness, and sadness I felt, and no matter the context, they were always harbingers of doom. I never thought I would get to this place, but friends. The world feels both far too big, and way too small, and as a result, I am terrified. Every time I go on Twitter, I find clips from right-wing influencers bashing minority groups, useless, snake oil salesmen defending Israel’s continued massacre of Palestinians and an endless stream of negative, hate filled and angry tweets.

I don’t want to have one sided conversations, what are you thinking as you read this? Share your thoughts with me in the comments.

I don’t know when it happened, but we have reached a point of division I never thought possible. And here’s what confuses me, everyone seems to have a grievance with one group or another. And every group, no matter how rational, or delusional their worldviews, believes they are being unfairly targeted and attacked. They see the opposing side as an imminent threat, not only to their safety, but also their way of life. But if everyone feels like they are in danger, and everyone is protecting themselves from an “evil adversary” who the hell is the threat? Who or what are we actually afraid of?

All I want, all I have ever wanted was to live a life where I was surrounded by the people I love, could read as many books as possible, marvel at sunsets, bask in the water and grow old while watching a new generation of people set on their own paths. Life has taught me that most people have a similar vision for themselves, but more than ever that vision feels blurred, distant, too far to ever be attained.

When I try to look towards that North Star, its blocked out by Proud boys, by right wing Republicans telling me that I didn’t earn anything in my life, by Trump Supporters gloating about their administrations callous targeting of Black and Brown people. Is this really the world I’m destined to live in? This endless stream of cruelty has shaken my trust in love, I don’t know if it will be enough to get us through, so I started looking into peacemakers.

It happened so fast that I didn’t even realize what I was doing. I just thought about the world we are in, and what could happen to me or someone I love because of the things I stand for, and before I knew it, I was pounding away on my keyboard. When the magnitude of my actions sunk in it didn’t scare me, I just felt sad, I felt like I had been telling my readers a lie, I felt like I was betraying myself. But I can’t tell a lie, I am really scared right now, I don’t know what to do about this world, and I don’t know if we can make it through this moment. More than anything, I don’t know if we as a community will properly identify who the real villain is.

The ugly answer is, it’s us. We have no one to blame but ourselves. This must be confusing, I am not arguing that bad things have not and will not happen. I’m not saying that people haven’t had terrible things done to them by others, I’m not ignoring the hate speech, the alienation, the white supremacy, the abuse, none of it. All of those things exist, but as much as they can feel like everyone hates each other, and everyone is at war, that doesn’t have to be our reality.

We are all terrified of each other because no one is willing to talk, and even fewer are willing to listen. Instead we stand in our corners, consume our curated versions of social media, and then fall into panic spirals about the other side. Here’s another inconvenient truth, we may have different ideas of what the world should be, we may not agree on every issue, but most people do not want a world dominated by hatred, violence, separation, and struggle. We want peace, we want friendship, we want safety, we want family. And those desires are being drowned out by the blaring horns of division.

I’m still terrified, I’m still unsure of what this world will be, I still may end up purchasing a gun, I wont lie and act like things have shifted so much in between writing this essay and sending it to you, that I will find the strength to heed my own words. But before I do that, I want to try my hardest to reach out to people, real people, I want to understand their stories, I want to find things we can bond over, I want to talk about our hopes, dreams, and aspirations, because if we know each other, if we can see even a small bit of ourselves in each other, there will no longer be anything to fear… I Hope.