Unpacking Masculinity With the Man Box

It feels like a lot of people are having conversations around what “makes a man” here’s what I think…

Photo Credit: https://www.pexels.com/@ajae/

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You ever have a vision that’s so clear you feel like it’s only a matter of time before it manifests? Well, that was me until Saturday when I was hit with a serious case of vertigo. With my brain feeling like mush, i’m not in the position to do my best work, so instead I want to share something I have been thinking and sort of talking about for quite some time. If you have been paying attention to my post this year, you might have noticed that I have been spending a lot of time talking about men, manhood, masculinity, and the way the world views us.

I think it’s important to do this, especially if we’re going to get to the bottom of what I believe is a crisis happening among boys all over the world. These boys become men, and far too many of them become men who do harm to themselves and others. Almost all of these men are repeating a cycle of harm and violence they experienced, but it would be reductive to leave it at that. The challenges facing men everywhere, and the thing that must be deconstructed and understood if we are to make any progress is the Man Box.

Here’s what you should know about this “Man Box” whether you believe it or not, everyone in one way or another is impacted by the narrow ideas that make up the “man Box” I want to unpack some of it with you today.

Boys are always told not to cry, that showing emotion equates to weakness, that feelings are irrelevant, and unnecessary. Has anyone ever stopped to think about what the impact of that education has been? All boys eventually grow up to be men, and during that time, we face trauma, heartache, heartbreak, and disappointment. When it’s time to deal with the weight of these things many of us are helpless. We have no tools to help us cope. Instead we get angry, we get violent, we turn cold. We look for ways to numb the feelings with alcohol, drugs, sex, violence, fear, and power . We use these as tools to deal with what makes us human, and in turn these false idols take away our humanity. Unchecked long enough what was once a hurt little boy will soon grow into an abusive monster.

Like all monsters, someone will have to face us, and feel our wrath. That someone is usually the people closest to us. Our friends, family, co workers, the people in our communities and anyone willing to get in our way. But more often than not, the women in our lives feel the full force of that rage. We release that pent up hurt in such a burst that it’s damage shows up in more ways than either party can comprehend. We pummel them with our judgement, our words and our fist, they become the physical embodiment of the pain that makes us weak, and the only way to get rid of weakness is to kill it. Right?

We’re training our boys to be killers, and telling our girls they should accept the one they love the most will also be their oppressor. When the toxic behaviors begin to manifest, we have no strategy to fix the monsters that we created. At least not a strategy that hasn’t been tried and failed. Our only solution for this long term drama is a prison cell. Once a horrible deed has been done, we ostracize the oppressor, remove him from one box and push him into another. All we seem to know how to do is put people in cages.

As you read this, the trial for rapper P-Diddy will have begun, he is facing a litanny of charges, including several accusations of extreme abuse to multiple people, but specifically his ex-girlfriend, Cassie Ventura. While this trial takes place, rapper Tory Lanez will sit in a hospital recovering from 14 stab wounds he received while incarcerated. He’s in prison for shooting at rapper, Meg the Stallion, and then going on a two year spree of bullying and defamation. We don’t have to live in a world where the only solution to harm is prison, by leaning on incarceration, we shift from a mental box to a literal physical one. We can be better, but only if we’re willing to face the truth, so let’s start.