Two Words to ‘Decomplicate’ Consent

You good?

Image from nayakenya.org

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Author’s note:

TW: Sexual Assault

This is primarily addressing heterosexual men in their relationship with women, which is what I can speak to from personal experience.

Please support my friend’s organization: Consent is the Standard. We need more like these to assist in meaningful sex education programs in schools around the world.

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When I speak with men about #MeToo, consent, or dating, I feel like over half my conversations end up jumping immediately to some form of the “complicated situations” and “grey areas.” Hypotheticals re: being intoxicated and what qualifies as consent and harassment are thrown around. While real, daily assaults run rampant in the background.

I have no doubt that grey areas exist. I have certainly experienced moments where I feel there were multiple acceptable responses in continuing or stopping physical intimacy. But I think the spectrum of these “complicated situations” is far narrower than men concerned about dating in the Me Too conscious era believe.

There isn’t some new code for sexual consent in dating in 2025. The existing one is just expected to be respected more. And that’s a good thing.

From my personal perspective, I’m only interested in situations with women that have clear, mutual desire and communication. Just like any aspect of ongoing consent that requires ‘convincing’ or ‘getting’ someone to do something is a turn off. Anything less than that I have no interest in pursuing.

But I understand for some men that type of dynamic is on the table— and for some women, who have been shamed throughout life for overtly discussing sex, initiating, enthusiastically responding, communicating may not come naturally.

But I think with the right mindset and clarifying words there’s really no enigma to solve. Men, we can be on the same page as women and not ‘ruin the mood’—with just minimum effort. Two words, really.

You good?

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First off, in any physically intimate situation, ask yourself: “bro, am I good.” This check in means ‘are you ok with having any kind of sex right now’ — and also serves as a check in for your sobriety and consciousness.

Then, get your mind right. If your mindset going into a sexual encounter is, at the minimum: ‘I want us both to be ok with what we’re doing, and I would never want a woman to feel violated’— it’s hard to go wrong. Because when in doubt, your instinct will be to ask: you good? And even during sex with ongoing consent: still good?

Really, it takes a nanosecond:

Touching her body over clothes for the first time?: you good?

Touching under clothes for the first time: you good?

And most definitely anal/choking/bondage is a MF you good?

Of course, then responses matter. Anything besides an affirmative response, should mean no to you. That is, if you’re keeping this mindset of any kind of harm being the worst outcome as opposed to missing out on sex being the worst outcome.

And before we talk about the whole ‘ruining the mood’, if you did happen to meet one of the .5% of women who are literally turned off by a check in of two words—which is different than her not feeling comfortable in the first place—what exactly is the loss here? You dodged a bullet homie; aint nobody wanna deal with the consent games olympics when we tryna get down.

Also, there are absolutely situations where body language can qualify as consent, answering this question without it being asked. Taking off each other’s clothes without coercion, mutual dirty talk, etc. The idea here is that when in doubt, actually do NOT whip it out—ask a damn sentence fragment and move accordingly.

But if the top of your mindset going into meeting a woman is: ‘I’m trying to get sex out of this at all costs’ you can overlook a whole lot of queues that show discomfort and leave someone feeling terrible. You’re also liable to have crossed boundaries and even commit sexual assault.

To be clear, this doesn’t eradicate the possibility that someone won’t feel great after sex. And I’m sure it feels like trash to know someone regretted that experience with you—but people can regret sex for a whole host of reasons: shame from not fully accepting themselves as sexual beings; they weren’t thinking of consequences; they felt they moved too fast, etc.

Everyone has a right to feel whatever they feel after sex. Many people have complicated relationships with intimacy. Her ‘feeling bad and regretting it the next day’ happens. Yes, she might tell her friends like you tell your boys; that type of chatter does not equate to you losing out on jobs and being ‘cancelled’. It’s just one of the general possible outcomes of having sex with someone, especially a stranger.

However, it is important to note how we have sex can leave someone feeling used, even if it wasn’t our intent. Men can use women’s bodies as a vehicle for their pleasure, their pornography, with no communication or care for what she wants. The sex is #1 priority mentality can then lead to ‘sex exclusively is about me and how I want it, no matter what’. This is objectification through sex. Even if consensual.

Sure, knowledge of the female anatomy helps here—the clit is not where’s Waldo, my guy—but again, it all stems from mindset. If you care about how another person feels before and during sex, you’ve positioned yourself to at least qualify as a decent partner in and out of bed.

Stop dissecting #metoo like it created some nebulous ideal of consent—just ask #shegood.

#yougood

#imgood

#wegood