Warning: I use a lot of profanity in this essay, and discuss sexual harassment and assault.

Summer is quickly approaching, and as more people get their COVID vaccines, and have the chance at semi-normalcy; we are seeing a huge spike in horny levels. For example, according to Immakingthisup.com, a projected 50 million Us inhabitants plan to have either a “hot girl” or “City Boy” summer. As an expert on women and dating (I’m lying), I thought it would be appropriate for me to create an easy-to-use toolkit for my male readers. Because yes, this summer is going to be great, but you should try your very best not to ruin it by being a fucking creep.

Pro tip 1: Staring- DONT DO THAT

Have you ever crossed paths with a beautiful young lady and knew that you would need a second look? Well, it happens, so stealing a glance is something I think we can all relate to. However, just because you feel compelled to look again, does not mean you have a right to. It also doesn’t take into consideration that your actions might be making someone uncomfortable. Think about that before you decide what to do. If you feel so compelled (You should not) to look again, I suggest your second glance shouldn’t last for any more than three seconds.

Anything longer than that and you enter creepy fucking territory. Don’t believe me? Fine, give a police officer steady eye contact for more than three seconds and see what happens. But once again, the simplest solution to this problem is to not stare at all. Also because it clearly needs to be stated, do not speak to her, do not remark on her looks, and finally, don’t lick your lips while grabbing your generals and staring intensely, that my friend is Super Saiyan level 3 creepy and it’s not ok. Any woman that responds positively to intense staring is probably doing so because she decided it was safer to entertain you than ignore you.

Pro tip 2. No One Likes a Fuckign Stalker

I’m going to let you in on a secret. Not many people know this but I think I can trust you with this classified information. Are you ready? Ok, here goes… Women don’t like being followed. If you see a pretty woman in the street and you don’t know her, don’t follow her! Hell, even if you do know her, it is never a good idea to start following someone. That’s really fucking creepy, no seriously the shit is scary!

If you’re wondering why following someone is such a big deal, ask yourself this question: How does she know you’re not a rapist, murderer, or someone who puts sugar in their grits?

While I’m sure you wouldn’t hurt a flea, she doesn’t, and if you follow her for any period of time, it decreases her chances of her ever wanting to speak to you, let alone sleep with you by 800%, while increasing the likelihood of her calling the police by 10,000%. Follow this advice double at night. If you’re reading this and feel confused about ways to court women without creeping them out, check out these resources from Men Can Stop Rape.

Pro tip 3. No One Owes You Sex

We have all been stuck at home for a full year, bars, restaurants, clubs, and sneaky links are all re-opening, and everyone is excited about it. Having said that, just because you are horny, and you have been nice to a woman does not mean she owes you sex. To be clear, NO ONE OWES YOU SEX. That’s right, this summer you could be at a party somewhere dancing with someone’s son or daughter and things could be getting steamy. Maybe you decide to shoot your shot and ask them over, but they say no, rejection might suck, but that is well within their rights. Respect the no and keep it moving. If you’re not sure what “Respecting the No” looks like, here is a list of things you shouldn’t do if your advances are rejected:

• Call them a tease

• Curse at them

• Get upset and walk away

• Force yourself on them

• Cry (Well, if you’re alone sure. But it’s weird to cry in front of someone because they won’t have sex with you)

• Get Violent- Violence is never the answer

Here are some things you can and should do if your sexual advances are rejected:

• Accept it.

• Move on

• Take a cold shower

• Go to therapy- No seriously, go to therapy!

Also, never forget the only thing that owes you sex is your right or left hand. Both if you’re ambidextrous.

Bonus: Dick pics:

Stop it, just stop shooting your dick all over the interwebs and SMS, that’s not just creepy, it’s sad.

If you follow these rules and do the work to be an ally to women, you may not have as much sex as you planned, but you will successfully evade becoming a harasser, rapist, assaulter, stalker, and fucking Creep. Additionally, you can sleep well at night knowing that you’re not a fucking monster. Everyone deserves to live their best lives this summer, including you. But let’s try to be less shitty to women this year.