This was so impactful and will stay with me for a very long time. As a woman who struggles being in male dominated spaces and trusting men, it seems silly to never realize you all battled with that tension too. Thank you for your vulnerability on the page.
Thank you for this. I think it may not have been easy to write. I am a woman who does not trust men. I had no idea men felt this way. Of course you do because patriarchy can dominate and silence you too but nobody ever told me what it is like inside you when these things are happening. Thank you for this insight; it’s really valuable.
Thank you for taking the time to read this long post. The ways we view manhood and masculinity make it so that there is a zero-sum game for what type of man a boy can strive to be. We need to break that cycle if we want any change at all.
Stanley, thank you for writing this. When we think about this tension, is it any wonder that so many of us create relationships defined by our power over others as protection? These relationships are doomed from the start, but through the lens you’ve created, we can see their origins.
"But the only way we can break the pattern and not fall into the inevitable role of a demon or monster is to admit that what’s happening is wrong."
Such a powerful essay. Heartbreaking, scary, and so real. The only way to create change is to be honest and change yourself. We only have control over us. Finding people who are safe, with whom with we can connect and share ourselves fully is really hard, but so worth it.
Stanley, you stepped boldly into the flames with this one, and you didn’t waver. You went beyond merely discussing "the demon"; you exposed the entire painful cycle. You tore down the veil on the violence, the silence, the shame, and the loyalty to suffering that too often is passed down like cherished artifacts in many Black and brown families.
This was not just honesty. It was imperative.
There is something profoundly solemn about a man, especially a Black man, declaring: “I’ve confronted the monster, and I have chosen not to nourish it.” That is no small feat. That is the essence of liberation work.
You spoke on masculinity with the authority of someone who has truly endured its trials, not merely theorizing from a distance. Many men shrink from admitting what you have bravely revealed: that often, our greatest fear is not the external violence but the turmoil within, poised to erupt. Yet, here you stand. Identifying it. Holding it accountable. Publicly and tenderly severing ties with it.
What you did with Erica? That was significant. You listened. You adapted. You believed her. And you made the difficult choice to distance yourself from a brother you once cherished to support a sister who desperately needed someone to finally act justly. That decision marks the divide between perpetuating the cycle and rewriting it.
You didn’t compose this solely for men, you wrote it for all of us. For the young boys taught that pain is a precursor. For the women who suffer in silence. For friendships that devolve into battlegrounds. For those striving to love men amid explosive challenges. And for the men still deciding whether to face their reflection or continue blaming the mirror.
Thank you for this profound reflection. For the confrontation. For the confession. This was not a mere blog post. This was a reckoning. And you did not flee from it. You stood resolute and spoke the unvarnished truth.
You didn’t let the demon prevail. You allowed healing to resound more powerfully.
Ms. Maine, thank you so much for this beautiful and well thought out comment, it means a lot to me, and I’m happy to know that I was able to accomplish the mission in this post. The work never ends, we’re always growing, stretching and changing, but comments like these make the road a little lighter. Thank you!
Really strong writing, and very raw. It makes me think of the global situation we are in right now, the wars we have raging, and how those wars would not be possible without that demon you describe. Imagine a country leader sent its army to war against their neighbor and every single soldier said no, we’re not doing that. That’s crazy.
Instead they go, and there is so much pain in those poor men, anything you see from the battlefield is half that demon and half that scared boy with nowhere else to go. The violence carries with it that profound human despair. If you do not summon the demon, you are just fodder. An assured victim. A casualty. If you summon the demon, you have to live with him.
I feel like this subject is literally at the core of our survival as a species.
This was so impactful and will stay with me for a very long time. As a woman who struggles being in male dominated spaces and trusting men, it seems silly to never realize you all battled with that tension too. Thank you for your vulnerability on the page.
Thank you for writing this. Like you, I am also an advocate who works with survivors. The survivors I've worked with are all women.
I do believe there are men that do not abuse or turn violent, but that men have been raised to become so is a sad reflection on our society.
It’s the culture we live in, but we get to change that. Thank you for your comment
thank you for being part of that shift/change.
Thank you for this. I think it may not have been easy to write. I am a woman who does not trust men. I had no idea men felt this way. Of course you do because patriarchy can dominate and silence you too but nobody ever told me what it is like inside you when these things are happening. Thank you for this insight; it’s really valuable.
Thank you for taking the time to read this long post. The ways we view manhood and masculinity make it so that there is a zero-sum game for what type of man a boy can strive to be. We need to break that cycle if we want any change at all.
Stanley, thank you for writing this. When we think about this tension, is it any wonder that so many of us create relationships defined by our power over others as protection? These relationships are doomed from the start, but through the lens you’ve created, we can see their origins.
"But the only way we can break the pattern and not fall into the inevitable role of a demon or monster is to admit that what’s happening is wrong."
Such a powerful essay. Heartbreaking, scary, and so real. The only way to create change is to be honest and change yourself. We only have control over us. Finding people who are safe, with whom with we can connect and share ourselves fully is really hard, but so worth it.
Always appreciate your honesty and the way you call people forward. Thank you 🙏🏼
Stanley, you stepped boldly into the flames with this one, and you didn’t waver. You went beyond merely discussing "the demon"; you exposed the entire painful cycle. You tore down the veil on the violence, the silence, the shame, and the loyalty to suffering that too often is passed down like cherished artifacts in many Black and brown families.
This was not just honesty. It was imperative.
There is something profoundly solemn about a man, especially a Black man, declaring: “I’ve confronted the monster, and I have chosen not to nourish it.” That is no small feat. That is the essence of liberation work.
You spoke on masculinity with the authority of someone who has truly endured its trials, not merely theorizing from a distance. Many men shrink from admitting what you have bravely revealed: that often, our greatest fear is not the external violence but the turmoil within, poised to erupt. Yet, here you stand. Identifying it. Holding it accountable. Publicly and tenderly severing ties with it.
What you did with Erica? That was significant. You listened. You adapted. You believed her. And you made the difficult choice to distance yourself from a brother you once cherished to support a sister who desperately needed someone to finally act justly. That decision marks the divide between perpetuating the cycle and rewriting it.
You didn’t compose this solely for men, you wrote it for all of us. For the young boys taught that pain is a precursor. For the women who suffer in silence. For friendships that devolve into battlegrounds. For those striving to love men amid explosive challenges. And for the men still deciding whether to face their reflection or continue blaming the mirror.
Thank you for this profound reflection. For the confrontation. For the confession. This was not a mere blog post. This was a reckoning. And you did not flee from it. You stood resolute and spoke the unvarnished truth.
You didn’t let the demon prevail. You allowed healing to resound more powerfully.
And that—that is a revolution.
Ms. Maine, thank you so much for this beautiful and well thought out comment, it means a lot to me, and I’m happy to know that I was able to accomplish the mission in this post. The work never ends, we’re always growing, stretching and changing, but comments like these make the road a little lighter. Thank you!
Really strong writing, and very raw. It makes me think of the global situation we are in right now, the wars we have raging, and how those wars would not be possible without that demon you describe. Imagine a country leader sent its army to war against their neighbor and every single soldier said no, we’re not doing that. That’s crazy.
Instead they go, and there is so much pain in those poor men, anything you see from the battlefield is half that demon and half that scared boy with nowhere else to go. The violence carries with it that profound human despair. If you do not summon the demon, you are just fodder. An assured victim. A casualty. If you summon the demon, you have to live with him.
I feel like this subject is literally at the core of our survival as a species.
Thank you Stanley. This is vulnerable and honest. You are a admirable example of a black man. ♥️🙏🏾