Pro-Tips for the Summer: Don't be a Creep

Summer is approaching, lets all have fun while respecting each other

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Summer is quickly approaching, and as the weather gets warmer, horny levels are rising at an astronomical rate. For example, according to Iammakingthisup.com, 50 million US inhabitants plan to have either a "hot girl" or "City Boy" summer. As an expert on women and dating (I'm lying), I thought creating an easy-to-use toolkit for my male readers would help them maximize their consensual cheek clapping potential. Below is a foolproof formula for winning hearts and minds instead of prison sentences and social isolation. Remember, friends, as you embark on your activities, there will be all kinds of temptations; I’m here to guide you with some simple tips for enjoying your summer without getting arrested with a Freako charge like Diddy. 

Pro tip 1: Staring - DON'T DO THAT

Have you ever crossed paths with a young lady and been blown away by her beauty? Please don’t be ashamed, we all have. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that someone looks good; however, there is something very wrong with being a fucking loser pervert getting weird. For example, just because you walk past someone beautiful, it doesn’t mean you have the right to gawk, look back, make comments, or make weird noises. There is no universe where anyone would be comfortable with that kind of behavior, well, that might be an overstatement, but most people don’t appreciate that kind of attention.

Almost no woman gets dressed up for the sole intention of getting a reaction out of some strange man she has never met. That shit is weird bro, don’t do it. Additionally, just because you feel like you didn’t get a “good enough look” doesn’t mean you can turn around and stare after she has walked past you. Don't believe me? Fine, give a police officer steady eye contact for over three seconds and see what happens. Even better, turn around to get another look at that cop, then grunt loudly, I promise they will reward that behavior with appropriate police violence anger.

Pro tip 2: No One Likes a Fucking Stalker, so Don’t Be One

I'm going to let you in on a secret. Not many people know this, but I can trust you with this classified information. Are you ready? Okay, here it goes: Women don't like being followed. If you see a pretty woman on the street and you don't know her, don't follow her! Even if you know her, it's never a good idea to start following someone. 

If you're wondering why following someone is such a big deal, ask yourself: How would you feel if a random man started following you? Sure, he might have pure intentions, but he could also be a murderer, a Diddy supporter, or someone who puts sugar in their grits. When men follow women, and yes, this happens more than you think, it usually doesn’t end well. So sure, you might be “harmless,” but she doesn’t know that. And, if you follow her for any period, it decreases her chances of ever wanting to speak to you by 800%. All while increasing the likelihood of her calling the police by 10,000%. Follow this advice double at night. If you're reading this and feel confused about ways to court women without creeping them out, check out this great article, which provides some tips.

Pro tip 3: No One Owes You Sex

After living through a pandemic and being stuck inside the house for months at a time, it felt like the floodgates opened up once things started to get normal. Over the last four years, we have seen a slow but steady revival of bars, restaurants, clubs, and sneaky links. Having said that, just because you're single, ready to mingle, and you've been nice to a woman for an entire conversation does not mean she owes you sex. That's right, this summer you could be at a party, dancing with someone's son or daughter, and things could get steamy. Maybe you decide to shoot your shot and ask them over, but they say no. If that’s their answer, live with it.

Additionally, exhibiting bare acts of humanity is something you should just be doing; you shouldn’t expect to get laid because of it. For example, did you buy a girl a drink? Cool, she still doesn’t owe you sex. Did you remember her name? Good start, but that doesn’t mean she’s now gotta touch your dick. Being a decent human is a prerequisite for existing in social spaces; it is not a secret key to intercourse. Finally, rejection might suck, but that is well within the right of the person you’re pursuing. Respect the “no” and keep it moving. If you're not sure what "Respecting the No" looks like, here is a list of things you shouldn't do if your advances are rejected:

• Call them a tease

• Curse at them

• Get upset and walk away

• Force yourself on them

• Cry (Well, if you're alone, sure. But it's weird to cry in front of someone because they won't have sex with you)

• Get violent - violence is never the answer.

Here are some things you can and should do if your sexual advances are rejected:

• Accept it.

• Move on.

• Take a cold shower.

• Go to therapy - No, seriously, go to therapy!

• Go to the gym.

If you follow these rules you may not have as much sex as you planned, but you will successfully evade becoming a harasser, rapist, assaulter, stalker, or creep. Additionally, you can sleep well at night knowing that you're not the weirdo harassing women and making everyone uncomfortable. Everyone deserves to live their best lives this summer, including you. But let's try to be less shitty to women this year.