No Stanley, She Doesn't Want to Have Sex With You

Unless she explicitly say's she wants to, she probably doesn't

Photo by burak kostak from Pexels

I know it’s been a while, work and life have taken up a lot of space, but I’m back on my ish!

Have you ever had a conversation with someone, and it was going so well, that you started to think that this was potentially more than just a casual experience? Well, that used to happen to me all of the time usually while talking to women. Whether it was the cashier at Food Town or a random woman walking down that block that made eye contact and maybe smiled. If we end up interacting, I would get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, and suddenly I would think, "what if she wants the dick?" No, seriously, why else would this attractive woman, with nothing but free time on her hands be spending so much time being polite to me, or paying attention to what I have to say?

Sometimes, when that thought entered my head, it would be damn near impossible to get out, because she's sitting there, being all beautiful, participating in the conversation, asking follow-up questions, or even looking for ways to extend the conversation. Why would a woman spend that much time being nice to me for no reason?

A couple of years ago, I decided to have an internal conversation about this ideology. Because, while I had never approached, or made a move on a woman who I suspected with zero actual cause, wanted to have sex with me, simply for being nice. I knew that sometimes, my behavior around them would change, to the point that when I officially found out they weren't interested, I would be disappointed, and if they had a partner, I might feel jealous.

After years of living this weird-ass life, I asked myself, “what makes you think she’s so into you?”

I didn't have a response, at least not one that made sense. Asking that out loud and making it a thing that I had to deal with, helped to ground me in reality, because the fact of the matter is, just because a woman acknowledges you, and even shows interest in who you are, does not mean that she has any romantic or sexual interest in you. Someone thinking you have a cool shirt, or tell funny jokes isn't a sign that they want you in their guts. That was a helpful, but hard pill to swallow because next up I had to figure out where that feeling was coming from.

I must have talked to almost every female friend I had about this, and I'm not proud of the emotional labor they had to expend in order for me to figure shit out, but I think this process allowed me to get to the root cause of my wild thinking. It's a little weird but stick with me.

My father, as I have written about a lot was a playboy who didn't give too many heart-to-heart talks. That wasn't his style, however, we did talk about sex, and "how to convince women to give it to you." His philosophy was to "Look for any opening that could help you get laid" and "If you're polite, women will reward you with sex." I thought I was smart enough to realize he was giving poor advice, but my actions show that his lessons were breaking through to me, in ways that were damaging.

At one point, I had become so fixated with "getting laid" that I became one of those guys who sought to be nice to women, with an ulterior motive. I held doors, I bought flowers, I listened intently during conversations, I laughed at their jokes, all for the purpose of being rewarded with sex, or some kind of physical intimacy.

When that wasn't the outcome, I would become bitter, complain about women "always wanting the bad guy" accuse people of "friend-zoning" me, or completely cut that woman off. That attitude became such a way of life for me, it was only natural to expect other people to be thinking and behaving the same way.

They weren't. Looking back now, I would guess that at least 150% of the women I suspected of wanting me, were just trying to be decent human beings. Maybe one of them thought I said something interesting, maybe they were killing time, or being nice to assure their safety. I think we know all too well how dangerous men can be to women. The reason isn’t really important, what’s important to know is that the assumptions I projected on to them were not valid.

The Girl:

Let's take a quick trip down memory lane. in 2011, during the peak of my hoe phase, I was working a part-time job on the side and happened to develop a crush on one of my co-workers, Cherice. Cherice and I had a lot in common, we talked almost every day, and would casually flirt from time to time.

One night, a bunch of us went to a bar after work and stayed out really late. It was 3 am, we were in Northern Manhattan and she lived in Long Island. It would literally take her hours to get home. I lived pretty close to the spot and had space at my apartment, so we decided that she would stay over.

We were both a little tipsy, and if I'm being honest, I really really wanted to shoot my shot. Unfortunately, despite our work flirts, nothing about that night gave me the impression that she was interested. We didn't kiss, and she didn't give any clear signs that she was interested in me. So I gave her a blanket, the tv remote, showed her how to lock the door, and went downstairs to sleep in my roommate's room.

The next morning while eating a gourmet Burger King Breakfast, she thanked me for letting her stay the night and told me how great she thought my roommates were, and how much fun she had. That was almost the end of the discussion but then she got really quiet, took another bite out of her very classy breakfast sandwich, then thanked me for "not trying anything" the night before.

I remember looking at her confused, saying, "Why would I have tried to have sex with you, at no point last night did you hint at it, or even explicitly say that you wanted me in or around your box?"

She laughed and said, "You would be surprised at how many guys don't care about what we (women) did, or did not say, it's just about what they felt, and wanted."

That line scared the hell out of me. Suddenly I was forced to think about all of the women who had been in similar encounters but had to deal with a guy who decided that his misguided projections was in fact the reality. Was this something that women had to deal with on a regular?

According to Cherice, yes. She then went on to share several very frightening stories of men who decided that she wanted to have sex with them, either because they had been nice to her, or she had not been rude to them. She explained to me how uncomfortable those moments made her feel, and how she had trouble trusting and feeling safe around men because of it. Then she told me that most of her female friends felt the same.

Like any person who has never had to worry about his safety around the opposite sex, I asked why she and other women didn’t just flat out reject the advances, or call it out.

She explained that "most guys assume if you act a certain way, you want to have sex with them, and even if that's not the truth, it's really hard to push back when you're in a situation that compromises your safety.” Cherice is right, MEN DO NOT HANDLE REJECTION WELL. When it’s not an issue of safety, some women might feel uncomfortable because they really do like that guy, but aren’t ready to be intimate. Our (Men’s) warped perception about women, dating, and courting has forced them to center our feelings and reactions to their decision-making, and that’s bullshit!

I’m grateful for the emotional labor that Cherice did with me that day because her explanation drove the home point for me. I never wanted to be the guy that made any woman feel pressured to do something, and I damn sure didn't want that happening to the women in my life. After our talk, I decided I would change my behavior and reframe my expectation of women. I came up with a simple strategy. Whenever I suddenly got that irrational suspicion that someone was romantically or sexually interested, and the only reasoning I had for it was that they were "nice" or just not an asshole to me, I would take a deep breath, and slowly whisper to myself, "No Stanley, She doesn't want to have sex with you." It's probably one of the smartest things I have ever done. You should try it.