Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and stumble into the bathroom to look in the mirror I forget that I’m not shit. I forget about all of the people I have hurt and the unprovoked or disrespectful things that I have said to the people in my life, or the dismissive comments whose sharp edges cause harm. I look in the mirror and feel like I have got it all figured out; I’m one of the “good guys,” I tell myself. Once that moment happens, it’s usually only a matter of time before I mess something up.

When those moments arrive, and they do, I start to feel real self-important. If I’m really high on my own supply, I’ll pat myself on the back for something I should have been doing anyway, like not sexually harassing women, but because I haven’t been one of “those types of men” I’ll expect some kind of award for my “very brave behavior. I’m not proud to say it, but it’s in these moments where I’m doing the most, for the least, I’m the most likely to revert back to the most problematic version of myself.

Thankfully, I am surrounded by a village of people who love me and give me space to mess up, as long as I’m willing to be held accountable, and make the necessary changes to not repeat the process. I mess up a lot. What I have found is that the secret to growth is the understanding that the process never ends, if you stop learning and growing, you’re either not trying, or dead.

But what would I do if this village didn’t exist? If we’re following the rules of “Cancel Culture” I might be done for. My past and I’m quite sure my present is littered with moments where I show up poorly, say something dumb or act inappropriately. If someone really wanted to, I’m sure they could make an argument that It was time for Stanley’s dusty ass to go to the Land of the Canceled. I get the reasoning behind this concept. If you cause people harm, whether that be intentional or not, physical, emotional, financial, or otherwise, you need to be held accountable. But if you throw someone away, is that really accountability? I’m not so sure.

Additionally, some of the things we’re canceling people for are flat-out problematic. A difference in opinion is not worth canceling someone. Mistakes from the past should be judged with more nuance. Has the person shown any growth, has their opinion or worldview changed since the incident or comment, have they been held accountable acknowledged their shortcomings, and shown up differently since? Be advised, that doesn’t mean we’re giving space to white supremacists, liars, and abusers, they need to be dealt with. However, if we’re trying to make the world a better place, we need to admit that personal and even political growth is a journey, no one on this earth just arrives as the best version of themselves. Maybe Beyonce.

I’ll put myself on blast for a second. I grew up without my mother and had a very troubling and abusive childhood. Because of that, I struggle with relinquishing control, am constantly trying to prove that I am “good enough” and have abandonment issues. It took me a long time to acknowledge I needed support and go to therapy. Thankfully, I had people who loved me, and I wanted to be a better person for them, and myself. After allowing years of hurt and trauma to impact everyone around me, I realized it was time to break the cycle. I couldn’t have done that without a village of people who held space for me and never judged me at my lowest moments.

We have entered a space where people who are trash, are finally starting to be called out for the horrible or just nasty ass things that they have done; that’s a good thing. But there’s a thin line between holding someone accountable for the wrongs they have done and taking away the ability for them to understand how their actions harmed others, learn from their mistakes, or even suffer consequences without the possibility of redemption later. Folks might roll their eyes as I say this, but people aren’t static, and for many of us, our behavior is deeply impacted by past trauma.

does everyone deserve that opportunity? I honestly don’t know, and if we’re being really honest, there are some people I don’t think I can ever forgive. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive my stepmother for treating me the way she did. I understand that she was dealing with her own trauma, and I know in my heart she’s a good person. But I also had to live with the pain and the rage she gave me. That’s something I will need to continue unpacking with my therapist. Having said that, I would argue that most people (minus racist, racist, and abusers; they need accountability, but it is not your job to handle that.) do, and even if they don’t, we should hold people accountable with the hope that they can someday redeem themselves, even if that means they do it away from us.

Let me be clear, this does not mean that the victim of harm is now responsible for the restoration of the bad actor, nor does it mean that you have to forgive someone even if you are not in a space to do it. But it does mean that as a society, we have to start looking at harm, and harm-reduction in a different way. Instead of tossing people aside, or muting them, we have to find a way to hold them accountable for the pain they caused, the impact it has had on others, and then a pathway towards retribution. In order for that to happen, certain things need to occur.

First, the person who has done harm must be willing and able to see where they went wrong, apologize honestly, and then accept the consequences of their actions. Acknowledging the pain you have caused someone, and apologizing is a huge step in the right direction, but those things alone are not always enough. If we’re building communities and relationships focused on restoration and accountability, there can and should be consequences. Consequences are fine, but they should be reasonable, restorative, and not focused on harm, or revenge.

Finally, if we are committed to reframing our world, and stopping the cycle of harm and trauma that currently exists, we will need to walk away from the antiquated systems that have been used to address them. The ugly truth is, no one is ever really canceled. They may no longer be your problem, but if they don’t learn from their previous transgressions, the likelihood of them entering another space and causing harm to another person is highly likely. That’s not something that helps anyone, so if we’re serious about changing the world, the only thing that should be getting canceled is cancel-culture itself.