I Cosplayed as the 'Nice Guy' to Attract Women-Here's What I Learned
I decided to try on the 'Nice Guy' costume to win women over. Little did I know, it would lead me on a journey of self-discovery and shattered stereotypes.
In my late teens and 20’s, I was obsessed with ‘finding love’ or something like it. The love that I was looking for could only be found through women, and the “love” that I expected was one-sided. I don’t think that I was a particularly selfish person, it's just in that period of my life, I didn’t quite understand what a healthy relationship looked like. As a result, I spent my days fantasizing about what I saw while disassociating through television, video games, and books.
What those tools of detachment taught me was that if I wanted to be loved, I had to be worth loving, and the only time men were allowed to receive such blessings was if they could produce. That production was broad, it could be financial security, physical safety, cultural capital, excitement, good sex, or just eye candy, the options were broad, but you had to bring something to the table, if you didn’t, you were unimportant. With little to no funds, moderate fighting skills, and minimal social capital, it became clear to me that my options were limited. Running low on ideas and determined to find the love I so deeply desired, I tapped into a skill that I still practice today, research.
What that “research” told me was that if I wanted a woman to like me, I only had a couple of options, I could be the “Alpha” who was demanding, rude, uninterested, assertive, and transactional, or I could be the “nice guy.” The “Alpha Male” archetype seemed like a promising approach, but honestly, the work to live up to that archetype felt like a waste. I like to believe that I’m a pretty nice person, and the idea of being arbitrarily rude to women, judging everyone based on what they could do to, or for me, and constantly being in proxy wars with other men, to prove I had the biggest dick felt exhausting. Instead of walking down the road of Andrew Tate, and other such fellows, I chose the “progressive” path of being a “nice guy.”
Being the nice guy meant showing interest in what women were interested in, positioning myself as the person who was “safe” to be around because I didn’t bash women or call them out of their names, I paid for dates, held doors, and listened to their problems. I didn’t do this because I cared, I did it because I thought it would build trust, and get women to like (fuck) me. What happened instead was that I would meet a girl, fall head over heels, play the “nice guy” role until I thought I had done enough, make a move, and then be rejected soundly. At first, the rejection didn’t get to me, Rome wasn’t built in a day, so I would need to be vigilant, but as more women rejected my advances, or expressed confusion about my shift in intentions, I grew angry. That anger turned into bitterness; that bitterness began to show in my behavior.
The kind and loving Stanley became sharp, and sarcastic when one of my lady friends was having relationship issues, I would claim she deserved it because she “chased assholes.” Those one-off comments became my ideology, and I went out of my way to tell anyone who would listen why women deserved all of the bad things they got from men. I thought I was justified. In reality, I was confused, hurt, and lashing out. It took me more time than I am willing to reveal to grow out of this dark phase, but I learned some lessons that I would like to share with you.
Men have been brought up in a culture that tells us we are more important than women. We are made to believe that they should defer to us and do what we say. But the rules given to boys and men all over the world have shifted. Many of the things the world demands of men, “Being the ultimate breadwinner’ providing housing, protection, etc is no longer as attainable as it used to be. In the same breath, society also tells men that we have no value if we can’t produce, and that women are a prize to be won as if they have no humanity. But what happens when you’re unable to live up to these expectations, and your strategies for affection fail?
Like most men of a certain age, I used to eat this ideology up. I tried my hardest to live up to those standards, and after every rejection, I would look in the mirror and declare that there was something wrong with me, I was too “weak” or “soft” or broke to be deserving of anything. I went looking for answers, the only people talking to men I could find convinced me that I had to play a role because women were no more complicated than non-playable characters in video games. I mastered that role and still couldn’t get what I was looking for. Suddenly I was failing as a man, and unlovable. With nowhere else to turn, I grew tired of beating myself up. I shifted that negative energy towards women.
My villain origin story isn’t new, there are plenty of men with similar ones. Maybe one day I’ll build up the courage to argue why I believe Drake is currently in his villain arc, but I digress. If we want to break this cycle, we must first understand what is happening to men and boys like myself, and maybe Drake (Definitely Drake). Masculinity Scholar, Tristian Bridges believes this happens because of something called, “Social Identity Threat” He discusses this concept in detail in an article for Vice. The idea is simple, “If an individual places great importance on some part of their identity, and that part of their identity is threatened for some reason, their reaction to that threat will be exaggerated…” Bridges went on to say, “If men experience rejection as threatening to their social identity as men, then they may try to over-demonstrate masculinity in some other way”
Men have been slaves to the broken ideas about masculinity, and it’s not only hurting us, but it’s also endangering the lives of everyone, especially women. For this reason, It’s up to us to break that cycle.
The first step is to change the narrative. We can’t ask men to do better without acknowledging that we (men) too have been sold a lie about what manhood, love, and our value are. Then we have to invest real money, empathy, and time into supporting men who are trying to break the cycle. As for the men who want to do the work in shifting their behavior, it’s time to reflect on who you have been and step into accountability.
Start by apologizing, then work on shifting your behavior. I wish I could tell you that the number of women I hurt could be counted on one hand, but it can’t. I am deeply sorry for the things I said, and I hope that maybe this will get to some of the people I hurt. An apology with no change or adjustment is nothing but an empty statement. We have to be committed to shifting the way we think about and engage with women. We are all living in a world that has created unhealthy norms around gender and gender roles. Just because we now see it as a problem doesn’t mean it will all magically stop. That takes effort, support, love, and empathy. It won’t be easy, but we can do it.
First post of yours that I’m reading, and wanted to thank you for writing this. The path for men (especially young men growing up in this digital age) is perilous and confusing. As someone who didn’t really have active male parental figures, I’m trying my damndest to show up for my sons and help them get to adulthood with a healthy sense of self, empathy, kindness, respect. Bit ironic that in one’s 40s we often go through the same kind of tumult as teenagers do 😂 Blind leading the blind haha.
Thank you for this. As someone who has similarly taken a lot of time to get past the toxic little shit I used to be, I now find it really galling when people talk about a "masculinity crisis" and decry a want of good role models. There are plenty of good role models - you yourself are setting an example here on Substack - but it's easier to have your sense of dispossession (occasioned by the erosion of massive privilege) vindicated by Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson et al. The various demographics who have serially been victim to masculinities (most prominently, women) have constantly had to adjust, evolve, and fight against it - and they have found the means in the face of it all. Meanwhile we men can't seem to face up to the fallacies and damaging paradigms of our own construct, but instead try and reshape the narratives to make ourselves the biggest, most hapless victims. You're completely right - we ARE victims of masculinities and patriarchy, but you're also right that it's for us to change. More men need your courage and self-awareness to redress it.