How to Live with Monsters: Diddy and the Verdict Heard Around the World
There is no such thing as a monster, just a some one who has been hurt.
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Trigger warning: This Post discusses physical and sexual abuse.
After a year of social media commentary, heated debates on Podcasts, and a grueling 7-week trial, that featured far more information about a grown man’s sex life than I ever needed. A jury of his peers has landed on a verdict in the Diddy trial. After three days of deliberation, the jury acquitted Diddy of sex trafficking and racketeering charges, but found him guilty of both prostitution offenses. The jury’s decision, like the trial itself, was received with mixed reactions. For the prosecution, this must be an incredibly embarrassing turn of events. After a high-profile raid of Diddy’s home, which included reports of finding a disturbing number of guns and baby oil, as well as a roster of testimonies from Diddy’s inner circle, many people expected this to be an open-and-shut case. The fact that a Jury didn’t find him guilty on all counts is a major loss for the federal government. As the prosecution processed its loss, Diddy’s family celebrated outside of the courthouse, where his supporters were dousing each other in baby oil in a defiant show of victory.
Everything about this case has been absurd, disturbing, and confusing, and it would be easy to let that become the dominant theme and forget about the whole ordeal. Still, we would be doing ourselves a disservice if that were the choice we made. Under the arguments about freak-offs and the baby oil-stained attire, there’s a real story to be told, it’s a story as old as time, it’s the story of people whom Mr Combs harmed, and the unanswered question of how he became this person. During the trial, one of his former employees went on the stand and recounted the times he entered her room at night and raped her. she was so upset while testifying, she had to stop multiple times to collect herself. When asked why she was sharing this information, she told prosecutors and the defense she had “intended to die with this information and only came forward because she was subpoenaed.” Yet,as she recounted those horrors, bloggers found out who she was and leaked her name to the public. The lack of care for her privacy from those rogue actors can only function in a world that doesn’t take assault seriously.
That same lack of care was rampant during Cassie’s testimony. The singer and former girlfriend of Diddy described her time with him as a “constant cycle of abuse,” saying he physically abused her, threatened her career, and publicly humiliated her by threatening to release footage of her in the now-famous “Freak Offs.” Despite video footage of the abuse she mentions, as well as countless witnesses taking the stand to confirm her statements, there is still an uncomfortable number of people who believe Cassie is in the wrong for speaking up. And now she, like Mia, must figure out what life looks like after relieving years of trauma during the trial, as well as the court of public opinion. Do they have the support, love, and guidance necessary not to begin their own cycles of hurt and abuse? Who knows, but how can you heal in a world that laughs at or dismisses your pain?
I don’t know either of these women. It fills me with rage and sadness when I try to imagine what they are going through, when I try to consider the amount of fear they had while testifying, the level of fortitude it took to look the person who harmed them in the eyes and recount the ways he made them feel. His polarizing trial has overshadowed their experiences, but I wonder how people would think if Cassie or Mia were their sister, spouse, mother, or close friend? Would this still be entertaining? Would the crowd covered in baby oil during a heat wave be as large? Would Diddy still be a hero in so many corners? Who knows?
Trauma and Harm are complicated in that they involve someone causing harm to another person. And while that seems like a simple exchange, we become so obsessed with the action that we forget the people behind it. Because here’s the thing: Diddy caused extreme harm to these people, and who knows how many other people he has done terrible things to. We only got a snapshot of his behavior, but what we have found out during this trial should be enough to make anyone look at him with caution. While that may be true, he will not spend the rest of his life in prison, nor should he. So, what happens when he comes home? What is there to learn about this behavior? Are we to assign him the title of monster and discard him? I don’t think that’s possible, not while there are people who love and believe in him.
Someone once said, “People aren’t evil; instead, they are harmed, act as a vessel for pain and continue the cycle.” If we believe this to be true, and, spoiler alert, I do, then we must also assume that Diddy has experienced unspeakable instances of harm. Intellectually, I know this is true, but my heart is struggling to visualize a man who has caused pain for so many as a scared little boy, as someone who once was hurt as bad, if not worse, than he has hurt others. When I find myself struggling to have empathy for others, I ask myself a simple question: “Is this person a monster?” More often than not, the answer is no. Monsters are not human; they are manifestations of our deepest, darkest fears. They represent the ugliest parts of us, so that we can be monstrous, but we are never monsters. No one loves monsters, but humans love each other.
And if that’s true, then yes, once upon a time, Diddy was a scared little boy, and like all children, he had joy, love, and curiosity in his heart. Then one day, someone, or someone, took advantage of his youth, terrorized, terrified, and assaulted him in more ways than one. And when he screamed for help or looked around desperately for a savior, no one came to his rescue. Perhaps that’s what did it; perhaps, after enduring endless experiences of pain and suffering, he gave up on trying to be saved and instead became another vessel for suffering. It’s not a crazy idea. At one point in life, I thought the only way to protect myself was to turn off my feelings and give in to the “Demon in me.” I know countless men who still do. Our version of what that is may differ from Diddy's, but we have all felt a need to be something else to keep ourselves safe. It’s in that choice and transformation where we have usually caused the most harm. Not because we became what happened to us, but because, to be safe, we transformed into a vessel to continue a painful cycle.
Can Diddy ever make up for the harm he’s caused? I don’t know, what I do know is that as a society, we have done enough to protect each other, and we are constantly suffering the consequences of this inaction. What I also know is that Diddy can’t ever be healed if he hasn’t processed the harm that happened to him. If we want a better world and to address the millions of Diddys who inhabit it, we must start taking harm seriously. That means we must hold space for Cassie, Mia, and even Diddy, take their stories seriously, and show empathy and compassion. It also means we must stop treating those who cause harm as disposable and start addressing the root of the problem. Something happened in their life that led them to this path. We must surround them with the support and resources necessary to get to the bottom of that trauma, and once they understand that hurt, it should be easier for them to see and know how they have hurt others. We don’t have to live in a world of monsters, but it will take us learning to listen and love through the hurt.
Congratulations, you made it to the end. What did you think of this post?
Do you agree that all people can be redeemed?
What are your thoughts on the verdict?
How do you feel about the way Cassie and Mia were treated during the trial?
Any feedback for me in response to this post?
Redemption is possible for anyone ..laws of probabilty not with standing...when one looks througj the prism of the justice system this case shows the penchant for over charging some....when one is convicted of the man act it has been generally proven your A PIMP..and you have committed acts that verify same! ...hint....the pimp does not pay for the services ...he provides said services for a fee..he (the alleged Pimp) is not a client!...of said services.
In this case he acted like a assitant pimp at best..and it says here he was pimping as hobbist at the most...talk legal absurdness....the person who pays for pimping related services is a client.. by the way it doesnt take a nine week trial to demonstrate Pimping activity ....Unless your Overcharging an absolute penchent when observing the penal system (see what i did there) If you are a juror you would eventually ask why after recieving 10 to 20 million dollars as a settlement why is she at a trail that is about pimping when she was involved?..what was the benifit for her?..(oh those insnane juror questions)
Lastly the biggest thing that comes to mind ..how does one get convicted at a criminal jury trail and is allowed to just walk out the building?
Oh I know you have to named Donald....no one seems to think theres anything unusal about that???
How can you take this stuff serious...famous rap lyrics
YOU THOUGH I WAS A DONUT YOU TRIED TO GLAZE ME....
To be honest, I don’t think all people can be redeemed. This is an issue I’ve grappled with for a while in my art.
I think it’s generally good to believe in redemption, or to at least try to view all the people in a story of abuse with nuance and compassion, and not just label them one way or another. But I also sympathize / feel sorry for the people who don’t know how to treat stories like this with care for the same reason: a lot of them have been through frightening experiences and others didn’t take their pain seriously. “Hurt people hurt people” is generally true.
For me personally, there is a line for when I start to view an abuser as irredeemable. Within the spectrum of sexual violence stories, there are people who have only harmed one person, and there are people who’ve harmed many people. Time and number of offenses is also a factor to consider; how long did the abuse go on for, and how many times did it happen? Severity of abuse is another factor; while not everyone is traumatized by the same event to the same degree, generally, the more violent and painful an act is, the more traumatizing it is. For example, forced anal penetration is usually more traumatizing than being groped. And finally, the age of the victims. This is not to discredit or shame older victims, but to say that we generally view abusers of children more unfavorably than abusers of adults. Also, some perpetrators of abuse on children ARE ALSO children themselves. But the younger a perpetrator is, this also makes us look more favorably on them.
If someone has harmed many people (especially younger people), over many years, with a whole lot of offenses that were extremely traumatizing and painful… I really don’t know how that person could say “I’m sorry” and tell the story of their own traumatized childhood, and for that to be enough. Even if they gave up all their money and material possessions and lived destitute for the rest of their life, the pain that kind of person felt and could feel can never outweigh the pain of their victims.
The prison system definitely upholds this idea that we should punish rather than try to reconcile. But what’s the alternative for the most dangerous people (I’m talking serial offenders of violent crimes)? Especially if you don’t believe in the death penalty?
I have a fanfic I’ve been working on for a while that has different stories of abuse within it. There’s a father whose family is trapped in a religious cult who molested one of his daughters. He ultimately steps forward with regret for what he did many years ago and tries to make amends by staying no contact with the affected daughter (as per her preference), and donating to organizations that help survivors. Different members of the family are split between still living with and / or loving him, and staying away from him, or somewhere in between. This is on the most sympathetic side of the spectrum for me, and there are a lot of stories like this.
Now we get a bit more absurd. There’s a woman who castrated multiple men and boys for a sex slavery business. There was also hypnosis involved; that was another guy’s doing. She suffered a lot of violence in her childhood, into more recent adulthood as well (including watching her own daughter be taken away from her to die), and then she takes responsibility for her part in continuing the cycle by traveling with a therapist and helping rehabilitate some of these affected people. She’s often viewed with fear and ostracized by most people, so she’s also “paying for it” by being extremely lonely. This character would probably be hated by many readers, loved by others, and viewed with mixed feelings by the rest.
Finally, on the blackest end of the spectrum (black as in the furthest away from morality), we have a serial child rapist, who killed one of his victims, and was planning to kill two others in his possession before they were saved. There were at least a dozen victims before that; children at a school he taught at. They didn’t die but they were violently abused. This character is taking inspiration somewhere between real life and fiction. In pianist James Rhodes’ memoir Instrumental, he talks about being raped by his gym teacher when he was only 5 years old. Another former teacher of his spoke out years later with regret that she did not speak out sooner, because she noticed multiple students were afraid of that teacher. I’m also basing this character in significant part off of Judge Holden from Blood Meridian, who was also based off a real person. The real nightmare fuel for me is the fact that people who harm and even kill other people for pleasure actually do exist. They are in the extreme minority of abusers, but they are out there. These people are so far beyond morality that they are likened to “the devil himself”. And they don’t apologize for their actions.
There’s no single answer to how we should treat abusers because there’s a whole spectrum of abusers out there. To me, it doesn’t matter what someone’s childhood was like after a certain point. Monsters do exist in human skin but they are rare. We get some catharsis out of telling stories about them (I mean just look at how popular true crime is, and how fiction often leans towards villains who feel no remorse), but the overrepresentation of the most vile in our narratives may be part of the reason why some people treat *everyone* they don’t like like a monster.
People like tidy narratives and black and white morality. People like sports teams and having a common enemy. We have pack mentality. We don’t like threats to the pack. We vilify anyone who we think disrupts the fabric of society (as long as we hold that society dear), whether it’s Diddy for his abuse, or any so-called “prostitutes”. Sexually empowered women are often considered threats to society. Openly acknowledging sex in any capacity threatens society, because we built brick by brick a society that shames our sexuality and therefore shames anyone who has sex for or against their will. Denying and purifying the whole reason we exist tends to cause problems.
Victims view their abuse as their fault because the rules of sex according to western Christian society are that it only happens if you invited it somehow. Temptation always comes from the woman, or the woman-like receiving body, a la Adam and Eve. Men only do wrong if they are corrupted by the flesh of another. This is incorrect, of course. Why must women and girls (as it is most often women and girls) take responsibility for the actions of all of man-kind?
Compassion is another kind of responsibility in the end. I don’t think abusers are entitled to anyone’s compassion, especially not from their victims. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to feel compassion, but that it should not be women’s responsibility to “feel for” any man that harms us, especially when they don’t offer the same “feeling for” in return. Thanks for reading.