How to Become an Ultimate Man
Being a "Good" Man is Boring, Let's be Ultimate
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I don’t think anyone would disagree that America as we know it is in a state of crisis, political ideology aside; no one disagrees about the uptick in divisiveness, overall anger, and a consistently rising feeling of bad vibes. There are many reasons for this: rising economic inequality, white resentment, skyrocketing cases of people struggling with their mental health, A.I.’s troubling expansion, and, of course, the front row seat at a genocide that’s forced people to choose sides. Despite everything already mentioned, I think we can all agree that one of the biggest and most curious things we have witnessed over the last 20 years has been the Rise of Male Loneliness, but with that, Male loneliness, and a generational pushback against our once unanimously understood ideas about masculinity.
Masculinity is the “set of attributes, behaviors, and roles generally associated with men and boys.” For much of modern society, the attributes most aligned with masculinity have encouraged behavior that has caused harm to many people. The fact that we are now investigating what it means to be a man and what masculinity should look like isn’t a bad thing. However, as the contributors to this conversation increases, the answer to that question becomes less clear. And in this mass loss of understanding, we now have a front row seat to a new generation of men and boys trying to find their way through a field that even those of us who came before them struggle to understand. For those who identify as men or boys, it can feel like we must now suffer the consequences for everyone else having to live under conditions we didn’t create.
The men and boys of today did not create male privilege or skew the pay gap in their favor; we were not the founders of the “original” ideas of masculinity or gender roles, and while we have definitely benefited from Patriarchy and “popular masculinity” like you, we are also being crushed from underneath its boot. Yes, men have caused harm, yes, some of the issues we are facing are of our doing, but we are functioning under the only world and rules we have ever known. We are suffering too.
If we want something different from what has always been, it will take a new approach. One that can break through these antiquated gender roles and move everyone away from the current ideas around masculinity. To some, that may feel like attempting to replace “One bad Vice with another,” but I think that is a defeatist way to look at our current challenge. People need something else to work from. If we don’t give an alternative, we will continue to lose generations of boys and men. Right now, the “something else” is being dominated by “red-pill” dude bros who are facing the same challenges as these men, and believe that the cause of those problems is everyone else.
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Millions of boys and men are desperately searching for community, for counseling, for support, and while one side seems to be scoffing at the idea that men are lonely, or that men are in trouble, the Manosphere is building an empire by advocating for boys and men who feel lost, training them on how to take care of their health, workout, drink water, take advantage of the weak, and treat women like objects for sexual conquest and status. This advice, though rife with problematic language and hateful ideas about women, people of color, and those in the LGBTQIA community, at least offers lost men and boys something to grasp onto.
I don’t know that enough people have stopped for a second to think what it must feel like to be a boy/man in times like today. To be told that everything you have grown believing about your identity is wrong? That the people and things you looked up to are problematic, and although you were doing what you were taught and had seen from others, you are now at fault for a system you didn’t create. When we have public discourse about men, patriarchy, or masculinity, that may not be what we as a society are actively saying, but for many men, it is what we are hearing, and it hurts! It feels like we are being called failures, that we are not enough, it takes no consideration into how this system has hurt us as well. That this system, which has always told us we are defined by our values, is now being called incorrect. But if this is true, where does it leave us? Do we have no value as well? I don’t think so, and I don’t believe that most people feel this way about us either. But this is what many boys and men have felt like, but like I said before, we can change this; we can provide a different path.
So here is what needs to happen: if we want better men and a world where we can all be liberated from the boot of toxic masculinity and patriarchy, we need a counter to the Red-Pills idea of what a “good man” looks like. I would like to take it a step further, to be a “good man” is grounded in everyone’s broad ideas of what “Goodness” means. Elon Musk thinks that he’s good, and he threw up the “Heil Hitler” sign on Inauguration Day. The New York GOP thinks they’re full of “good” people, but look at what they have to say about Black, Brown, Gay, and Jewish people when they think no one is looking. The word “good” is far too subjective and leaves space for interpretation. We need a different measure, something that tells the truth about what it means to be your best self, and I think I can help.
Why me? Well, I am a straight cis male who, for the most part, is well adjusted. I have a good-paying job, a beautiful wife, and the respect of my peers. I am by no means rich, and I don’t think I have any power, but I do believe that I can model myself as what an alternative look at masculinity can look like, because more than anything, I represent much of what modern manhood looks like. I think there is a path that boys and men who are struggling to find themselves can take, and it’s the one I am currently on, so join me in my pursuit to become the Ultimate Man.
You’re probably wondering why I chose the word Ultimate. The answer is simple. Ultimate, as defined in Webster’s dictionary, means the “last in a progression or series, the final product.” That’s important because one of the most basic principles in being an Ultimate Man is understanding that as humans, we are always “a work in progress,” and Ultimate men find joy in the progress, because it means that we have unlimited potential for growth. Becoming an ultimate man is not easy, but it is possible for anyone who is willing to try, and we know what it takes to get there. Below are a few of the pieces necessary to become one.
Mastering Your Physical Health:
I don’t agree with much that comes from the Red-Pill community, but when it comes to personal health, we are on the same page. Our bodies are a gift given to us, but they do not last forever, and they require nurturing and care. That means being mindful of what we eat, finding a fitness plan that fits our preferences, going to the doctor, taking vitamins, and doing the things that keep us in tip-top form. This is important because when we look our best, we feel our best, and every man has a different ceiling for what their “best” is. You learn so much about yourself and the world when you strive to find your ceiling.
Master Your Mental Health:
I used to think it was Stanley versus the world. This perspective put me on the defensive, always in conflict with the people and things around me, while refusing to look at myself. This also left me angry, confused, and, oftentimes, feeling misunderstood. Therapy taught me that much of my and our existence is actually a battle between us and our consciousness. The shame we carry, our insecurities, our projections, our ability, or sometimes our inability to process things. Which is why one of the most important things you can do for your growth as a person and as a man is to learn about yourself and do the hard work to take care of your mind and heart. That learning to understand your emotions, and then how to manage them. And when you are more aware of your emotions, your triggers, and how they might impact the ways you show up, it makes it easier to have empathy for others. Men who master their minds have the surest path to becoming the ultimate versions of themselves.
Be a Protector:
Here is something that the traditional ideas of masculinity try to get at, but get all wrong. Boys and Men can and should be protectors, but to “protect” does not mean to “dominate.” It does not have to mean you need to fight; it does not mean you need weapons or have to engage in force. The ultimate man is someone who makes the people around him feel safe in his presence. His friends, family, and loved ones know that he is reliable, stable, present, consistent, and trustworthy. To protect means more than just being able to defeat someone in a fight. You can have an unlimited cache of weapons, along with elite fighting skills and all of the physical strength in the world, that means nothing if the people around you fear you, if they don’t feel like you know or care about them, if they believe your pursuit of strength or dominance is more important than them.
Don’t Run Away from Being Soft:
The ultimate man has more than one tool in his toolbox, which is why in our pursuit of this ultimate status, we must not run away from our emotions; we must lean into them, we must embrace the fact that we are human, and have the ability to see ourselves in others, even if we don’t always agree with them. This is important because a big part of being a protector is also the ability to nurture. Ultimate men can physically lift heaven and earth if it means protecting the ones they care for, but they are also able to sit and cry with their people, envelop them in comforting hugs, look someone in the eye, and tell them that they love them, that they are enough. Hold space for them to share their fears and insecurities, and build a bridge of trust by sharing some of yours as well. The current ideas of masculinity will have you believe that men who show emotions or any signs of softness are only spotlighting their weaknesses. But only machines are without emotions; we are mortal, as are the people around us.
Finally, if you want to be an ultimate man, know that you will not be perfect, that you will make mistakes and fall-short more times than you care to admit, that some people may not understand what you are doing and they will judge you, and while none of this may feel good, it’s ok, its a part of the process. I’ll tell you something else, I am not yet an ultimate man; I have a long way to go. Because, like you, I am a work in progress, and I don’t always live up to my ideals. But that’s the best part about this path I have chosen. To be Ultimate does not require perfection, just a willingness to get back up when we fall down, and a desire to help others as well. We can all strive to be ultimate; we can be on this journey together. I hope you will join me.
Congratulations, you made it to the end! What did you think of this post?
Do you agree with the idea of an “Ultimate man?”
What would you change?
What do you think is missing?
You're on your way baby! This is ultimate advice. ♥️