How Music and Mix-Tapes Saved my Life

I have a soundtrack for Every Moment

Photo by Stas Knop from Pexels

I have a secret to tell you. I have not always been good at managing my emotions. When I was younger I would lash out with violence when the feeling of anxiety or fear became too powerful to handle. After countless fights, some wins, some losses, and some experiences too painful to share, I realized that force was not the answer to my problems. I decided to replace that fighting spirit with a venom tongue, I could get a rise out of friends, and acquaintances with my words, while knocking the wind out of my enemies.

When I was younger, I spent a lot of time preparing myself for battles with these invisible enemies, people who I believed were hell-bent on destroying me. They spent their days picking me apart and talking poorly about me to others, I had no proof of this, but it felt like the truth. That fantasy truth drove me, it was the fuel that kept me going. I wanted to prove that I was better than the people around me and in order to do that, I had to become something different. Something better than I already was. The problem was, that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reach perfection, and anything less than perfect was a failure. Suddenly, the weapons I developed to protect me from others were being wielded on me.

The inability to reach these unrealistic expectations was destroying me. At the time, I didn’t understand why, but I was constantly falling into depressive states that led to me getting into fights in school or being kicked out of class for mouthing off at teachers and other students.

After years of not knowing how to deal with these emotions, I discovered the beautiful sound of music. I don’t mean to imply that I had never heard a single musical note. Music has always been a huge part of my life. I had my entire day planned around the schedule of Hot97. I would start my day with their morning show hosted by Ed Lover, Lisa, and Dr Dre, from there I would go to school, but be home in time for Wendy Williams from 3 pm-5 pm, then do the 5 O-Clock Free Ride with DJ red alert. Angie Martinez would close out my days with her 6-8 p.m. slot, and I would coast through the evening listening to some of my favorite songs. However, as plugged in as I have always been to music, I didn’t quite understand the ways that it helped me to process until I was 15.

I remember having a particularly horrible day, nothing had gone wrong, I just hated myself and everything about my life. It was one of those days I used to have a lot as a kid, everything felt dark and I was struggling to find a reason to live anymore. If I died, no one would care, I was beyond being hurt by that, I had accepted it. I don’t remember what was going on in school that day, but our guidance counselor, Mr. Sinkfeld, gave me a ride somewhere. As far as I knew, he didn’t know how much I was struggling, and we had never discussed it. We got In his car, and Jay-Z’s “The Blueprint 2” started playing, it was the first song on the album, “A Dream.” In the song, that featured R&B singer Faith Evans, Jay rapped about talking to the Notorious B.I.G. In a dream, and in the conversation, Biggie told Jay, “Hov remind Yourself, nobody built like you, you designed ya self.”

The song hit me like a ton of bricks, it felt like Hov made the song for me. I asked Mr. Sinkfield to borrow the CD, then I burned a copy for myself as soon as I got home.

With the help of an ungodly amount of blank CDs, a slow but steady internet connection, and a home-built personal computer ravaged by Limewire viruses I started putting together mixtapes to appease any mood I was in. I would compile all of my favorite songs into a single playlist then burn it onto a cd. When things were at their worst I could always drown my sorrows in a song, no matter what I was going through there was a track that could help me through it.

The mixtapes didn’t stop the pain or the depression, but they did give me a healthy outlet to manage it. What’s beautiful about it is that something I would use to manage my depression has become an activity that allows me to bring myself and others joy. Mixtapes saved my life, and I’m sure they have saved plenty of others.