Happy Birthday Stanley: Chapter 40, Act 2

Just some thoughts from a man who has constantly Cheated Destiny

On my 21st birthday, I sat in a dark dorm at SUNY Old Westbury. Just outside, the walls trembled with anticipation from my fellow suitemates. It was a Thursday night, and everyone was either headed to a party or actively partying in the hallways. Soon enough, I too would be a part of this cacophony of youthful exuberance and alcohol. But before any of that took place, I wanted a moment to revel in what I had accomplished. Because, friend, Black Boys of a certain age must all answer a question that only we know of; but somehow, anyone can answer. I contested with that as I sipped from my personal bottle of henny, this was my moment to toast an audacious survival.

Here’s the thing, for much of my youth, I was acutely aware of the silent question that would eventually need to be answered. That question was, could I make it to my 21st birthday, or would I be dead, erased from reality, blown away by senseless gun violence? And if for some reason I did survive to see that age, could I do it without ever stepping foot in a jail or prison? For a time, neither one of these things felt impossible, in fact, death or incarceration felt inevitable, whether I accepted this fate or not. As a result, I at times felt like I was being pulled towards a conclusion littered with bullets or that found me inside of a cage.

This was a soft pressure I felt pounding at the center of my chest everyday, it was a destiny that I didn’t want but probably deserved. Was this all I was worth? It seemed like it. Sadly, for far too many people around me, it was in fact inevitable, two of my childhood friends were murdered in cold blood. One of them was killed after spending years in and out of jails and prisons, he had a young son, and his entire life ahead of him. If God exists and she chooses who lives and dies by the quality of the person, I am confused as to why she chose to take Eric and Jah’meer, while I’m still here. I do not wish to be dead, but I knew them both, they were the best this world had to offer, they had so much potential, yet they couldn’t escape a destiny that I suddenly was prepared to defeat.

I think about them a lot, because there is no practical reason that their fate was not also mine. Before I hit my -teen years, I knew what it felt like to stare down the barrel of a gun, I also knew what it felt like to force someone else to do the same. I knew what hatred was, I felt it at times for my parents who would vacillate between abuse, and indifference, or the officers who were assigned to protect my community, but spent their time terrorizing people to add color to their days.

Before I was old enough to get a part-time job, I knew what it felt like to have an anger burning so deeply in my belly that it threatened to engulf everything and everyone around me. That flame made me feel like a man, it was my protective shell, it made me a ticking time-bomb. Despite having all of the intangibles for a brief but glorious conclusion, I made it to 21, and I celebrated that day by myself with a bottle of white Hennessey. I was in college, on the verge of graduating, no children in sight, no reason to fear for my life, and no prospects for prison. I had made it. But had I? The survivors guilt would randomly hit me, my chest would constrict, and my breathe would deepen, what gave me the right to live when so many others didn’t? I struggled with that feeling for much of my adult life.

And then I turned 40, and the boy who struggled with these feelings, while relishing every time he cheated destiny is a man reflecting on everything he has been. 40 feels strange, it feels like a normal next step in aging, and a milestone all at once. I don’t know that I was ever supposed to reach this point, but I am here, there is no destiny that I have to run away from, what’s left is an open path with unlimited possibilities. So much of my younger days was dictated by a desire to break cycles, cheat death, and contradict expectations, those pressures don’t seem to exist anymore, and suddenly my life feels like its just beginning, and shifting into a new phase all at once. I get to choose my path, and I’m only restricted by how much I’m willing to hold myself back. I can’t wait to let loose!