Getting Over the Main Character Syndrome

Sometimes it's really not about you, and that's ok.

During an episode of the Cosby show, Theo Huxtable discovers a dead body while fishing. After informing the authorities, they find out he pulled up the corpse of a mobster who was wanted for serval crimes. Upon further investigation the police discover more bodies who more than likely were also put there by the mob.

This discovery garners some attention from the media, and Theo, as it would with many of us allows the attention to get to his head. Before long, he’s bragging to anyone who will listen about his “accomplishment” and starting to view his accidental discovery as validation of his brilliance.

His inflated ego doesn’t play well, and eventually leads to a back and forth with his sister Vanessa. After being asked “How does it feel to have a brother whose a celebrity” Vanessa laughs and tells him that he’s letting his “15 minutes of fame get to his head” he makes the point that some of the greatest discoveries have been “accidents”referencing how penicillin was discovered by someone who left a cheese sandwich out over night. Vanessa responds with, “you wouldn’t have been the guy to discover Penicillin, you would have been the one who left the cheese sandwich out” he countered with the example of Newton discovering gravity when an apple fell from a tree branch? Vanessa retorted with, “you would have been the branch holding the apple.”

Vanessa and Theo’s back and forth is hilarious, and biting, but she’s got a point. Theo was feeling himself a little too much, and in that moment, he was unable to see the moment for what it truly was. I like this episode because I too have been in Theo’s shoes, I would argue that most of us have. Maybe something happens that allows us to shine, we’re a part of something successful, or we’re just feeling ourselves a little too much. Whatever the reason, we believe ourselves to be the thing “everyone has been waiting for” or the solution to some problem. And with that belief imbedded in our hearts and minds, we make complete asses out of ourselves. It’s not always fun to admit, but we have all have examples of misreading a moment and showing up poorly because of it. We interpret ourselves as the center of the universe when in reality we’re debris.

I think this happens because of our discomfort of not being at the center. American society tells all of us, but especially men that everything starts and ends with us. It’s why so many men believe they must always be the leaders in their romantic relationship’s, or feel a need to fight for dominance when around other men. There’s an entire sub-culture of people who believe in the idea of “Alpha-Males” even as science has disproven this concept. it’s why some of us, struggle to admit when we are wrong, or in more extreme cases, reject any idea’s that we could be flawed. Because the world tells us that we must be a certain thing, and if at any moment we fall short of that, we no longer have any value.

I don’t know, maybe I’m making this up, maybe it’s a personal problem that I’m projecting across an entire gender identity, that’s definitely possible. But if there’s a chance that someone is reading this, and they can relate, I would like to share how I am trying to break my cycle of Main Character Syndrome. The first step was to understand what it was, and how it was showing up with me. For a long time, I tied my value to my ability to sound smart, and make people feel good. This led to me falling into spirals of always trying to live up to these things. I was so obsessed with being the “smartest person in the room” or the guy who “always had a joke” I prioritized being those things over whether it was appropriate, or undermined others. I constantly found myself in useless “intellectual” battles with people I was hell-bent on proving I was smarter than, and for what?

When the bulk of my energy was going towards being the “main character” I missed out on the experiences of others, and as a result, I struggled to connect with people. This outcome is hilarious in hindsight because the entire reason I wanted to be the smartest person in the room and the guy with all of the jokes was so that people would like me. So yes, while some people may speak against it, being able to understand and empathize with the feelings and the experiences of others helps to make you a better person, leader, friend and romantic partner. And I promise that you will be surprised at how much the world opens up when you begin to view things beyond the way they make you feel or benefit you.

If you’re reading this, and you can relate to my experience, don’t beat yourself up, you can break the cycle. The biggest shift you can make is reminding yourself to pause, especially in moments where you feel compelled to speak or take up space. When that ball of energy fills your stomach up, take a deep breath, rub your index finger against the base of your thumb to redirect that energy, and try to listen. Practice challenging yourself to take a step back when you’re in community with others, can you focus on absorbing information? In projects, or while working with other people, don’t be afraid to take on a supportive role. If you’re like me and always looking for a way to excel, focus on being the best you can be in that role, put your energy into growing there. These are small steps, but they work, and if you commit to being different, and do the work, you will be amazed at what you learn.