Even When it Hurts, We Must Choose Love

Hatred and Violence are easy, they are also empty and destructive

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I assume by now you have all heard the news. Charlie Kirk, the 31-year old right wing influencer that once called George Floyd a “Scum bag who wasn’t worth our attention” and argued that the Civil Rights act was a “Destructive force in American politics” is dead. He was shot in the neck while giving a speech at a college campus in Utah. Hundreds of people in attendance saw him die, millions by now have watched it on line. The image is horrible so if you haven’t seen it, I encourage you to keep it that way. I’ll be honest, I’m struggling, Charlie’s death is a tragedy, and nothing good ever comes from violence, but I have deep issues with what he stood for.

I’m writing this because I think it’s important to share that struggle, while also holding on to what I know to be the truth. Nothing good ever comes from violence, no one wins when we go out of our way to inflict pain on each other, and while to some of us it may seem like only one death, that’s unfortunately not how any of this works. Human life is, and should be the most valuable thing we have in this world, and whenever someone dies, and that death doesn’t occur with them in their senior years, leaving this earth peacefully while surrounded by family and loved ones, we should look in the mirror and ask ourselves, what kind of world are we trying to build?

I didn’t expect to be so impacted by Charlie’s death, unlike his most loyal followers, he is not someone that I admired. I didn’t know the man, all I can account for is what he said publicly, and much of what I saw was hurtful and disturbing. Charlie described himself as an advocate for free speech, but then created a website, that singled out professors (usually Black or Brown) who discussed issues he and his followers didn’t agree with. One of the people listed received so much hate mail and death threats that campus security offered to provide her an escort from fear that something could happen. On racial issues, he wasn’t much better, he disparaged George Floyd, called Martin Luther King “Awful” , insinuated that Black women were congenitally impaired, and went out of his way to trash the LGBTQ community.

It’s hard to see eye to eye with someone who seemed to make a living speaking poorly of communities and people I love and admire. It’s twice as difficult when it seems like his rhetoric is beginning to spread in ways that increase hate-speech. Before his death, that’s what Kirk was to me, someone who amplified hate speech against marginalized groups, and his rise in popularity scared me, because it forced me to wonder out loud, “if this is how the rest of the country views their neighbors?” His death has caused a flurry of reactions, there are more people than I imagined who seem deeply hurt by his loss of life, they found him to be a powerful and even unifying voice. I know that we tend to speak kindly on the dead, but I don’t understand some of the praise he has received, especially when he spent so much of his time disparaging minority groups.

I spent much of the week wrestling with these thoughts as I watched the social media olympics play out. Some people mourned his death, others found humor in his demise, and another group took it as an attack on their way of life, they are now looking for ways to redirect their pain and hurt at the groups they deem to be “threats” In all of this anger, hurt and confusion it feels like we are ignoring something fundamental, and deeply important. that we are all human.

Charlie did not deserve what happened to him. No one does! I feel horrible for his family, for his children who will now grow up without their father, for the terrifying reality that they may some day be able to find a video of his gruesome death online. It makes my chest hurt when I think about the ways their lives have now been turned upside down. I know to some this may sound crazy, because if the shoe was on the other foot, I don’t think he would have empathy for me, in fact, he would probably attribute it to some racist idea about Black men, but I can’t change how he or other people move in this world, all I have control of is myself, and no matter what others do, I don’t want to stop caring about people, even if they don’t feel the same way about me.

I choose love because in a world with so much pain, someone has to be willing to be different, because if we keep accepting violence, soon there will be nothing left. And here’s the thing, violence is easy to choose, vengeance, pettiness and anger are familiar and quick, but they burn us up inside, they destroy us. That’s why it's so important especially in dark times like these, to try to see ourselves in others. For someone who stood for what Charlie did, that is hard, but stick with me for a minute.

We may not have shared the same views on life, but I know what it’s like to wake up everyday and try to show up for the world and yourself. I understand that no matter how one person might viewed, there is someone out there who loves them, who they are important to. And even if they don’t know it or believe it, they are deserving of that love. When I focus on that, and I look at Charlie through this lens, I can relate. No one is given an instruction manual on life, we all do our best to survive, even if our efforts feel wrong or unfamiliar to others. During my first year of therapy, while discussing a relationship that had ended abruptly my therapist said something that will always stick with me. “People can only give you what they have, and more often than not, how they grew up and what they experienced influences how they show up in the world. What we saw from Charlie was what we had to give.

We all come into this world pure, and then through the process of living, things happen that shape how we approach life, relationships, conflicts and pain. Those who are all too familiar with pain, can sometimes fall into the cycle of feeling like it’s normal, it takes a herculean effort to break that cycle. Those who are raised and surrounded by hatred, can sometimes accept that as their reality, and those who have been hurt can sometimes attempt to move beyond it by hurting others. Not because they are evil, not because they hate you, not because they want to cause harm, but because it is all they know.

It is within this framework that cycles of harm can continue. At one point Charlie was young, and like all children he was pure and had no malice in his heart. Something happened, and maybe multiple things did. They colored his worldview, and as a result, the world got a man who believed in his principles deeply, but was grounded in ideas that were shaped by hatred. Whatever lies he was told became his gospel, whatever sadness plagued him, became all of our problems. If given more time, maybe he could have changed his mind. Humans have unlimited potential, but his was cut short, so now we will never know. That’s what happens when we don’t care about each other.

Violence is easy, hatred, anger, and vitriol spread fast because they are simple to use and accessible to everyone, but they are nothing but empty calories, and they are usually smokescreens for the truth. Under all of that bluster, rage, gloating, and passion is usually hurt, confusion, isolation, and fear. If we can get to the source, we can heal. So yes, when you tap into the anger, which manifests into different forms of violence, it may feel good for a moment but in the end it takes more than it gives, and pushes the cycle of harm forward. We don’t have to keep hurting each other, we don’t have to live in endless suffering, we don’t even all have to like each other, but we must never forget that we are all connected, and that love is the only thing that can save us.