Stories of SA of young boys always horrify me, and you are right, it is especially horrid because they are pushed to be 'proud' of it or think 'it's no big deal' so the processing can't even properly happen. It's a massive societal failure that needs correcting for sure.
I also think there are way more women than the internet would have you believe who are very much here for letting men be appreciated just for existing, for not insisting men need to bottle up every emotion or 'always be the strong one', for giving men space to gain the emotional intelligence we should have guided them to learn while they were kids.
It is such a weird situation, because it is definitely the patriarchy that created this problem. The whole gist of the patriarchy is 'we are strong and capable, you are weak and irrational and frail, so we will do the important things.' But of course that premise, which puts men in the positions of power, also now demands them to perform up to this position. So if a woman accepts the premise of the patriarchy - yeah ok, I am weak and feeble, you are strong and capable - it is only normal she then expect you to, like.... be that? Alright, let's see it! Where is the providing? Where is the protecting?
These two things are fundamentally at odds with each other - if we accept that yes, men too are human beings, men too can be scared, or not know what to do, or feel pressure, or not always be up to the task of carrying everything on their shoulders - we are automatically admitting that the main premise of the patriarchy is basically bogus. So the prison is self-made.
But that of course does not mean that a) some women don't buy into it - loads of women have supported the patriarchy historically, otherwise it would not have survived, and b) that a lot of women are not out here very much willing to accept a new arrangement that gives more equality to both sides. We stop being called the feeble-minded emotional irrational ones all the time, and you guys get to show emotion and sensitivity without immediately being whipped for it.
People think the patriarchy protects Men, but it does not. Patriarchy protects Masculinity. And any man who fails to perform said masculinity to some imaginary standard is trampled underfoot just as quickly as a woman, or a queer person, or anyone else deemed non-conforming. Patriarchy has never been for the benefit of all men. It has always only been for the protection of the privilege of a select group of privileged men. Which is why today we have so many people feeling extremely betrayed and let down by the world even though the patriarchy is still effectively everywhere. They think they're being screwed by the fact that women learned to wear pants and go to work and say 'fuck off' to guys they don't want to talk to. But they're not. They're being screwed by that select privileged few, who never cared about anyone else but themselves.
Wow, you really hit the nail on the head with this comment. Thank you so much for sharing with us! "People think the patriarchy protects Men, but it does not. Patriarchy protects Masculinity." This was the line for me!
Femnazis don’t think that boys get sexually abused. I can’t begin to tell you the amount of them that called me a liar when I explained that I was sexually abused at 4 years old and again at 8.
Yes. Mostly women didn’t believe me. Particularly Femnazis. About 2 months ago, they were arguing with me why I’m 42 and still childless and I explained that both my trauma from being sexually abused as a child and the fact that during the 2000s, Twentysomething me felt like I just couldn’t mentally and financially deal with having children, so I didn’t sleep with anyone and remained a virgin until the age of 36. They called me “Insensitive” and “Selfish” just because I have refused to have sexual contact with anyone half my age and that “I’m hostile and insensitive towards women” just because I have refused to sleep with just anyone.
I’ve had have better experiences with Women of Color in the past couple of recent years but, I remain in Rebound after 2 years. Because in 2020, I chose to have a relationship with an older Hispanic Woman.
The Adult ADHD does make things a bit more challenging especially. But at least I’ve talked to someone in my age range who has ADD herself. Because the part of you having and living with ADHD as a Middle Aged Xennial which I was diagnosed with 34 years ago is where you have to say to yourself “You aren’t the only one”.
By and large I don’t think we’ve ever lived in a world that promotes a healthy relationship between men and women. If it weren’t for sexual attraction, it’s not clear to me that men and women even like each other as people. Our roles have been carved out since the beginning of time. Straying away from those roles has brought about a tension that has never gone away. I think men have to go through a similar self actualization process that women have gone through. For men however it’s a focus on their emotional development, whereas women wanted to understand their efficacy outside the home and apart from being someone’s wife. Men need to understand who they are outside of being a provider and protector. Perhaps once we strip away how we’ve been socialized, we can finally see each other and actually get along.
Apt mention. Men need to be taught the skills that weren’t previously required of them. It isn’t fair to expect someone to know something they were never taught. Reminds me of a video from YouTube I found the other day.
Thank you for sharing this! I literally talk about a similar thing in my recent piece about a project I worked on and what I’m trying to do to combat the rising suicide rates where black and brown men are concerned. I’d really love for you to read it at some point bc I’d really love to hear your thoughts.
I am so sorry that you were violated. It happened to me, too, with family members protected by the old ways of “family secrets”.
Please consider me a sister, I’m extending my hand from over the cliff wall. This is the very thing half responsible for my uncle’s suicide. He volunteered for the tunnels in the Vietnam War and was less afraid of the VC than he was of his uncle that crawled into his bed when he was a little boy. This secret, when combined with the horrors of war as a Tunnel Rat, killed him, and I am afraid that the handful of pills and carbon monoxide poisoning at 50 may have been the first time he’d ever experienced a sort of softness as a man.
I guess my point is that I agree we (women) should all be extending our hands toward boys and men, too. How can we help?
Thank you for reading and thank you even more for sharing some of your and your families story with me. Your question at the end is essential, and I appreciate you taking the time to consider it. I think the two best things you or really anyone can do to start is to listen and with empathy. I think if we start there, it will go a long way.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Stanley. I recognize the world is receiving of my story as a woman talking about my own SA. It’s an exceedingly brave thing to share a vulnerability as a man presently… I appreciate you.
I am also a Black Man and Child Sex Abuse Survivor. I was molested at 4 years of age by my Babysitter’s 13 year old Nephew In 1987 and then was molested by my 11 year old Neighbor in May 1991 whom I trusted and thought she was my friend. She performed fellatio on me even though I told her how uncomfortable I was feeling. I was only 8 years old. I couldn’t listen to the song “Ooh La La!” By Perfect Gentleman for 28 years because it triggered this memory.
The worst thing about the incident is that it made me feel like Women of my own race hated me, rejected me, threw me away and didn’t want me. Because for years, every experience I had with a Black Female was met with Misandry and Hate.
just reading this and this was my favorite part: As the world changes, and we all try to shift from the evils of patriarchy, society is not doing enough of the work to bring men along. In some cases, we are pushing them away." Also some of your sentences felt like a beautiful call to some of bell hooks' work.
Thank you for sharing these stories 🫶, and it is sad how society dehumanizes men (and how that perpetuates the occurrence and minimization of men’s unwanted sexual experiences). But visibility is everything. We can only change things one story at a time 🫂
this was so sad yet informative to read, it horrifies me that men and boys can get literally m*lested then gaslit into believing that they should have liked what was being done to them…
Stories of SA of young boys always horrify me, and you are right, it is especially horrid because they are pushed to be 'proud' of it or think 'it's no big deal' so the processing can't even properly happen. It's a massive societal failure that needs correcting for sure.
I also think there are way more women than the internet would have you believe who are very much here for letting men be appreciated just for existing, for not insisting men need to bottle up every emotion or 'always be the strong one', for giving men space to gain the emotional intelligence we should have guided them to learn while they were kids.
It is such a weird situation, because it is definitely the patriarchy that created this problem. The whole gist of the patriarchy is 'we are strong and capable, you are weak and irrational and frail, so we will do the important things.' But of course that premise, which puts men in the positions of power, also now demands them to perform up to this position. So if a woman accepts the premise of the patriarchy - yeah ok, I am weak and feeble, you are strong and capable - it is only normal she then expect you to, like.... be that? Alright, let's see it! Where is the providing? Where is the protecting?
These two things are fundamentally at odds with each other - if we accept that yes, men too are human beings, men too can be scared, or not know what to do, or feel pressure, or not always be up to the task of carrying everything on their shoulders - we are automatically admitting that the main premise of the patriarchy is basically bogus. So the prison is self-made.
But that of course does not mean that a) some women don't buy into it - loads of women have supported the patriarchy historically, otherwise it would not have survived, and b) that a lot of women are not out here very much willing to accept a new arrangement that gives more equality to both sides. We stop being called the feeble-minded emotional irrational ones all the time, and you guys get to show emotion and sensitivity without immediately being whipped for it.
People think the patriarchy protects Men, but it does not. Patriarchy protects Masculinity. And any man who fails to perform said masculinity to some imaginary standard is trampled underfoot just as quickly as a woman, or a queer person, or anyone else deemed non-conforming. Patriarchy has never been for the benefit of all men. It has always only been for the protection of the privilege of a select group of privileged men. Which is why today we have so many people feeling extremely betrayed and let down by the world even though the patriarchy is still effectively everywhere. They think they're being screwed by the fact that women learned to wear pants and go to work and say 'fuck off' to guys they don't want to talk to. But they're not. They're being screwed by that select privileged few, who never cared about anyone else but themselves.
Wow, you really hit the nail on the head with this comment. Thank you so much for sharing with us! "People think the patriarchy protects Men, but it does not. Patriarchy protects Masculinity." This was the line for me!
Your articles always move my thoughts in cool directions ⭐️
I really appreciate that, thank you!
This is EXACTLY what I think. Excellent comment.
Femnazis don’t think that boys get sexually abused. I can’t begin to tell you the amount of them that called me a liar when I explained that I was sexually abused at 4 years old and again at 8.
That is horrific, I’m sorry you had to go through it. But are you saying only women didn’t believe you?
Yes. Mostly women didn’t believe me. Particularly Femnazis. About 2 months ago, they were arguing with me why I’m 42 and still childless and I explained that both my trauma from being sexually abused as a child and the fact that during the 2000s, Twentysomething me felt like I just couldn’t mentally and financially deal with having children, so I didn’t sleep with anyone and remained a virgin until the age of 36. They called me “Insensitive” and “Selfish” just because I have refused to have sexual contact with anyone half my age and that “I’m hostile and insensitive towards women” just because I have refused to sleep with just anyone.
I’ve had have better experiences with Women of Color in the past couple of recent years but, I remain in Rebound after 2 years. Because in 2020, I chose to have a relationship with an older Hispanic Woman.
That sounds really horrible. I’m glad you found some better people to have in your life. People can be so weirdly judgmental these days.
Thank you.
The Adult ADHD does make things a bit more challenging especially. But at least I’ve talked to someone in my age range who has ADD herself. Because the part of you having and living with ADHD as a Middle Aged Xennial which I was diagnosed with 34 years ago is where you have to say to yourself “You aren’t the only one”.
By and large I don’t think we’ve ever lived in a world that promotes a healthy relationship between men and women. If it weren’t for sexual attraction, it’s not clear to me that men and women even like each other as people. Our roles have been carved out since the beginning of time. Straying away from those roles has brought about a tension that has never gone away. I think men have to go through a similar self actualization process that women have gone through. For men however it’s a focus on their emotional development, whereas women wanted to understand their efficacy outside the home and apart from being someone’s wife. Men need to understand who they are outside of being a provider and protector. Perhaps once we strip away how we’ve been socialized, we can finally see each other and actually get along.
This is such a good point. Thank you for sharing, Johanna!
Apt mention. Men need to be taught the skills that weren’t previously required of them. It isn’t fair to expect someone to know something they were never taught. Reminds me of a video from YouTube I found the other day.
https://youtube.com/shorts/o46y3mz6Rzw?si=AMGefqvCKkngcDWj
It’s great to see content popping up to help men without shaming them. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for sharing this! I literally talk about a similar thing in my recent piece about a project I worked on and what I’m trying to do to combat the rising suicide rates where black and brown men are concerned. I’d really love for you to read it at some point bc I’d really love to hear your thoughts.
I will, thanks for telling me about it
of course! I’m glad more people are having this conversation
I am so sorry that you were violated. It happened to me, too, with family members protected by the old ways of “family secrets”.
Please consider me a sister, I’m extending my hand from over the cliff wall. This is the very thing half responsible for my uncle’s suicide. He volunteered for the tunnels in the Vietnam War and was less afraid of the VC than he was of his uncle that crawled into his bed when he was a little boy. This secret, when combined with the horrors of war as a Tunnel Rat, killed him, and I am afraid that the handful of pills and carbon monoxide poisoning at 50 may have been the first time he’d ever experienced a sort of softness as a man.
I guess my point is that I agree we (women) should all be extending our hands toward boys and men, too. How can we help?
Thank you for reading and thank you even more for sharing some of your and your families story with me. Your question at the end is essential, and I appreciate you taking the time to consider it. I think the two best things you or really anyone can do to start is to listen and with empathy. I think if we start there, it will go a long way.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Stanley. I recognize the world is receiving of my story as a woman talking about my own SA. It’s an exceedingly brave thing to share a vulnerability as a man presently… I appreciate you.
I am also a Black Man and Child Sex Abuse Survivor. I was molested at 4 years of age by my Babysitter’s 13 year old Nephew In 1987 and then was molested by my 11 year old Neighbor in May 1991 whom I trusted and thought she was my friend. She performed fellatio on me even though I told her how uncomfortable I was feeling. I was only 8 years old. I couldn’t listen to the song “Ooh La La!” By Perfect Gentleman for 28 years because it triggered this memory.
The worst thing about the incident is that it made me feel like Women of my own race hated me, rejected me, threw me away and didn’t want me. Because for years, every experience I had with a Black Female was met with Misandry and Hate.
just reading this and this was my favorite part: As the world changes, and we all try to shift from the evils of patriarchy, society is not doing enough of the work to bring men along. In some cases, we are pushing them away." Also some of your sentences felt like a beautiful call to some of bell hooks' work.
I appreciate this bro. The will to change was heavy in my heart when I wrote this
That book and all about love echoed for me as I read
I love your point of view. You help me think of things from a younger, black, male perspective.
Great piece, Stanley! I’ve been chewing on these same ideas this week and this is very helpful.
Thanks fam, I hope you end up writing about it as well
Thank you for sharing these stories 🫶, and it is sad how society dehumanizes men (and how that perpetuates the occurrence and minimization of men’s unwanted sexual experiences). But visibility is everything. We can only change things one story at a time 🫂
Thank you for reading, and if we keep speaking truth to power and providing new outlets, change can hopefully happen at a larger scale.
this was so sad yet informative to read, it horrifies me that men and boys can get literally m*lested then gaslit into believing that they should have liked what was being done to them…
Lidija's last sentence says it all.
“anyone”
As if men aren’t half the population and don’t care about themselves.