In college, I was madly in love with a girl named Rebecca, unlike most of the women I pursued, she was equally as interested in me as I was in her. She grew up in the neighborhood right next to mine (Flatbush), shared my irrational love for the Animorph book series, and seemed intrigued by the idea of maybe having sex with me. In short, it was a match made in heaven!

Alas, there was one problem. Rebecca had a reputation on campus for having a “high body count.”, For those who don’t traffic in mid-2000s slang, she was a woman who had had sex before, and wasn’t ashamed of it. As a result, people on campus assumed she was “easy.” Once it was clear that things were getting serious, we talked about the elephant in the room. As expected, most of what I had heard were lies. Did she have some fun? Absolutely, but she was single attractive, and an adult, whatever she did was her business. Honestly, if I had to detail the number of poor decisions I made because of space, opportunity, and, Bacardi Limon, she would have had some second thoughts about our budding relationship. Her only concern was that I had an up-to-date STD test, and was interested in being exclusive with her.

While this was happening, Tristian, one of my friends from back home caught wind of my and Rebecca's pending love affair. Worried sick that I would make the "biggest mistake of my life," he left the comforts of East New York and trekked it all the way to Long Island to stop me. He pulled up to my dorm room, called my dad, put him on speaker, and reported what was happening. With no prior warning, I was forced to sit through what can only be described as a toxic ass intervention.

The both of them pleaded with me not to mess with the “community food” Tristian swore up and down that she was sleeping with the “whole hood” and that she was only using me because I was the “only herb willing to cuff her up.” My father had a different point of view. He thought it was fine if we had sex, but the only women worthy of a commitment were those who had never had a penis in or around their person.

According to him, dating a woman with more than two sexual partners was like dropping a sandwich on the bathroom floor at Penn Station, picking it up, and then marrying it. This was coming from a man who had easily slept with over 100 women during his prime hoe years. Our talk lasted 30 minutes, I nodded, put on my, “wow, you’re schooling me” face, and played along until they wore themselves out with flawed logic and ridiculous statements. The minute it was over, I made my way to Rebecca’s dorm. Our relationship lasted for a couple of months and then flamed out like most college romances. She eventually transferred to a new college, but we remained friends.

A few years after I graduated, we reconnected and while catching up I told her about the “intervention.” She laughed and revealed to me that Tristian had been chasing her for years, and recently proposed to her. I found this revelation hilarious but not surprising. I have met far too many brothers who will publicly drag a woman's name through the mud while throwing heart-eye emojis in her DM’s. I was smart enough not to listen to my friend’s musty gender politics, but every day someone with ashy elbows and a Poster of Kevin Samuels on their wall will judge a woman because she enjoys sex. Here’s what you should know:

1. Rebecca's previous sexual partners had zero impact on our relationship, she wasn't sleeping with any of them when we got together.

2. She used protection with her previous partners, and we both got tested before we had sex.

3. Her sex life didn’t impact our relationship, although we had a lot in common, we wanted different things. She wanted to get married, I wanted to drink brown liquor and see if anyone else would have sex with me.

   Let's Not Be Trash is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

   Subscribe

Let's talk about Tristian and my dad, they were entirely out of line, but a few things really stuck out to me:

1. Tristian and my dad were deeply troubled by my partner's sexual encounters but found nothing wrong with theirs, or even mine.

2. My father has at least 10 children, all with different women. Is he really the one that should be talking about someone's sex life?

3. Tristian was secretly into Rebecca, he wasn’t trying to help me, he just wanted her for himself.

Finally, the ugly truth, men and boys are encouraged to have as much sex with as many women as possible. No one bats an eye if a man decides to distribute community dick. But the minute a woman decides that she might want to have sex, it’s a problem But why is that? What’s wrong with a woman having a healthy sex life, why is it a bad thing if she has had multiple partners? If it’s good enough for a man, shouldn't it be good enough for women too?

Let's take it a step further, why are we always judging people for the number of partners they have had? The number no matter how high or low shouldn't be a deciding factor in your relationship. Someone with 100 sexual partners could be your soulmate, and another person with only 2 sexual partners could be the worst experience of your life, who they have slept with gives almost no insight into who they are, or will be while with you.

With that in mind, stop missing out on great relationships, sexual partners, and experiences because of some antiquated idea about women’s bodies. Worry about yourself, and let the Queens be great.