Daddy Issues: My Path to leaving Abandonment Jail

My Father wasn’t Around, It Impacted So many of my choices, now I’m Breaking That Generational Curse.

Photo by Anete Lusina: https://www.pexels.com/photo/unrecognizable-ethnic-boy-with-toy-bear-strolling-on-walkway-5240513/

“Daddy Issues” is a term used frequently in our society, culture, and music. Usually, it’s said in a comedic way, more often than not as a way to make fun of a woman who “makes poor decisions” or has “low self-esteem.” Whenever a female is considered to have “daddy issues” it typically means that she’s “easy”, seeks lots of attention, and is broken. It’s often assumed, because of her “unfortunate (inevitable) past” that the woman is the sole responsible party for toxic dynamics in relationships.  Not having a father scarred her so deeply that his absence shows up in every dynamic of her life, including the relationship she has with herself. 

The hardest part about all of these statements is that within the fog of judgment that sits with these ideas is usually a kernel of truth. That kernel is enough for those who aren’t going through it, but it doesn’t tell the whole story.   Despite what some may believe, the woman is not solely responsible for entering into dysfunctional relationships. She is oftentimes the victim and a participant in a dangerous dance fueled by her attachment issues. The other party, male or female, has psychological problems of their own. When the two of them get together, it creates an unhealthy cycle, one that I choose to break. 

I grew up without my dad because he made the choice to not be a part of my life. In fact, in 2015, when I was 26, I tried to reach out to him hoping to explain how his absence shaped me. His response: “Sure, I may have been neglectful, but I can go to sleep at night knowing that I’m not a bad person.” This was followed by an empty apology the next day.  In 2019 I reached out again, I wanted to meet for some closure and to ask all of the questions I needed answered for. At first, he agreed, then, a few days later, he said, “he wasn’t going to put himself in a position to be bashed.” He thought it best If I didn’t come. So, I didn’t. 

It’s no secret that women who grow up with an absent father can struggle to interact with the opposite sex or yearn for male attention (Krohn and Bogan 2001). This can show up through an insecure anxious attachment style that can lead women to look for reassurance from others -especially men. A lot of times this acceptance is found through promiscuity. It’s the easiest way to quickly put a band-aid on that wound. Trust me, I know. 

Here's the wildest part about growing up without a dad. You don’t know it’s affected you until it’s too late.  I thought that life with my mom and sister was normal. I thought “This is the way it’s supposed to be.” I did not long for or miss my dad. Even though I had memories of him when I was three (around the time he left). It wasn’t until I started having relationships with men (horrible relationships) that I realized how abnormal my emotional baseline was.

And I know it’s easy for people to say “Once you’re an adult you are responsible for your actions! You know right from wrong.” But what if you were raised knowing that the person who is supposed to love you the most could care less if you die tomorrow? How would you see yourself? How important and worthy would you think you were? Loving myself and believing that I am deserving of love is something I have to practice, for me, it’s a muscle that I’m building. I’m willing to do the work, because I want to break the cycle, but at times it feels unfair. People who grow up in a household filled with love from both sides don’t have to work on loving themselves, they get to just be, meanwhile I am forced to pick up the pieces of something I didn’t break to begin with.

I am not a victim. But I wish “daddy issues” was a term that wasn’t thrown around so lightly. I wish people understood how much the absence of a father shapes the person you become. I have to fight every day to overcompensate in social settings, and the workplace among my peers to pretend that I deserve to be in community with them. I feel insecure EVERY SINGLE DAY. I can’t tell where my trauma ends, and my personality begins. Is it all the same? My terrible relationships with men were only the beginning. That’s when I realized that there was a problem I should look into. That’s when introspection became my best friend. Why was I longing for an ex who controlled me, hit me, berated me and frankly did not love me? I needed answers.

It took me seven years to get over my first big breakup because he’d taken the place of my father. The loss felt bigger than it actually was. So much so that I couldn’t make sense of it. Why am I still not over this? Then even after seven years of self-reflection and more bad relationships, I had to reckon with myself. My self-esteem is and has always been a challenge. I believe it is the cross I have to bear as a result of the abandonment.

What I realized was unconsciously, my ex(es) took the place of my father, and he wasn’t the only one. It is a marvel that my current relationship is a healthy one, but I constantly question whether it’s normal not to be controlled. While at the same time, I worry that I may acquiesce too much because of my anxious attachment style. I don’t want him to leave again. I want to be worthy of his staying. And by him, I don’t mean my husband, I mean my dad. But I do mean my husband. It’s all very strange and interwoven. 

I still haven’t learned how to live with it all the way. I still haven’t learned how to forgive my father. I don’t even really believe in forgiveness. And that might sound bleak but what really is forgiveness? I can forgive and think about it three days from now and still be angry that I can’t be normal because my dad decided that I don’t matter. So I have to fight every day to feel what everyone else gets to feel. Add daily struggles, ambitions, dreams, and parenting to that.

 You should all be in jail for robbing people (girls and boys both) of their opportunity to live a life free of self-loathing.  You don’t know the harm that you cause or the lifetime of pain you could avoid by trying just a little bit. Feeling abandoned infiltrates EVERY aspect of your life. Not just intimate relationships. Work, friendships, school functions, and grocery store interactions are all laden with your insecurities and desire to overcompensate. I have accepted my fate. But frankly, my biggest fear is that I don’t know how to teach my daughter the best way to win that battle, because I’m still in it myself.