Behind the Aesthetic, Trad Wives and the Obsession with Submission
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This weekend, I fell down a social media rabbit hole; this alone is nothing new; if I have aspirations for a productive weekend, at least a third of what I expected to do will be erased by a 1-3 hour spiral on whatever platform has my attention. Before Elon Musk turned Twitter into the Cyber Truck of social media, that was the place I spent most of my time. Unfortunately, his platform is now littered with porn, incels, and right-wing propaganda. Although I do spend a decent amount of time on there, it’s mostly to shit talk and leave. In its place, I have found myself spending more time on TikTok, and it’s there where I discovered Hannah Neelman, the apparent “Queen of the Trad Wives.”
Before I saw any content from Hannah, I found a million reaction posts from followers sharing their opinions about her lifestyle, their amusement pulled me in and before I knew it, I wanted to know all about this “Tradwife Queen.”
For those of you who don’t know, Trad Wives “refers to married women who embrace ‘traditional’ gender roles, particularly focusing on homemaking and supporting their husband as the primary breadwinner.” Along with Hannah, you might have heard of Nara Smith; like Hannah, Nara is a beautiful woman with various talents who decided to marry a medium-ugly man. Unlike Hannah, Nara doesn’t showcase her family. Instead, we are sucked in by her ability to look beautiful while seemingly making any meal from scratch. She does all of this while speaking in ASMR. Like Hannah, Nara has built a cult-like following of people who are amazed by her creations or have the desire to replicate the aesthetic montage she’s showcasing in her life.
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Hannah, on the other hand, shares her daily adventures as a farm mom of 8. Her videos show clips of her dancing ballet with the kids, churning butter, cooking meals, and giving birth. Her husband, Daniel, walks around with a cowboy hat and runs their farm. He’s in many videos, but he rarely interacts with or cares for the children.
This wasn’t originally the plan. Born to a Mormon family in Utah, she dreamed of moving to New York for ballet. She worked hard to get into Juilliard and suddenly was one step closer to turning childhood hopes into reality. That was until she met her husband, Daniel. After a month of dating, he began to insist that they marry. In her Times interview, Hannah says she wanted to wait at least a year, but after lots of prodding, she eventually gave in to Daniels's wishes.
She gave up NYC and her career in ballet, and Daniel, the son of a billionaire, gave up his “career.” Hannah’s love for dancing remained strong, and she hoped to use the barn on their Utah farm as a dance studio; Daniel decided that wasn’t necessary and converted it into a classroom to homeschool their growing family. That’s the thing about being a Trad-Wife. In a two-minute clip, it can look like the coolest thing in the world, but in reality, things are much more complicated.
For example, in that same Times feature, which was meant to showcase the beauty of their lives, Daniel came across as controlling and insecure. The piece subtly highlights the level of control and space Daniel wields over Hannah, with the reporter struggling to get any alone time with her. He sometimes cuts her off mid-response, but on other occasions, he offers unsolicited answers to questions directed at her. Hannah’s body seems to be under Daniel's control in their relationship. When asked about having more children, he insist it will happen. His dream is to have enough kids to fill up their homeschool. Hannah’s response is more tepid; this doesn’t seem to matter; Daniel’s word is law.
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After finishing the article I felt for Hannah. I don’t doubt that she loves her children and even Daniel, but her life feels like a performance as presented to readers. She’s the exhausted lead in a play that wont come to an end, and the people who should have her back just keep screaming for an encore. They want more babies, more aesthetically perfect photos, more highlight reels of natural births, empty smiles, and curated experiences.
Hannah’s Ballerina Farms is a sanitized theatre; it only gives you pieces of what is actually happening. Despite this, millions of people are pining for such a life. Is this what the men around me are expecting when they claim to desire a woman who will “Submit?” Women are more than caretakers and birthers; they are people with hopes, dreams, and lives that existed before us. Why be with someone if your goal is to have them exist through such a limited context? Is it even possible for love to exist that way?
While you ponder those questions, I’ll leave you with this. A video on Hannah’s page shows her opening up a birthday present from Daniel. While unwrapping it, he asks her what she thinks it is; she guesses “plane tickets to Greece” since she had been hinting to him that’s what she wanted; he doesn’t respond; when it’s partially open, she see’s fabric and asks if it’s a “hat for traveling” he coyly evades the question. Finally, she opens the package, and the present is clear for everyone to see: the woman who left the city she loved dropped out of Julliard and gave him eight beautiful children smiles tepidly as she shows off her new egg apron.
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Congrats, you made it to the end! What did you think? Leave a comment, and let’s have a conversation:
What do you think about the Trad-Wife Trend?
Do you think these women are in loving and fulfilling relationships?
What does “Submission” mean to you?
OMG The egg apron what the hell 😂 How utterly disappointing. As an old, tired woman I get the appeal and temptation of wanting to be taken care of by someone else. But that's just because I have been taking care of myself all my life. I wasn't even supported when I was married.
People can choose however they want to live of course, but whatever relationship concept one subscribes to, each person needs to be truly seen and held and known, LOVED basically - not just 'taken care of' in a material sense. As Bell Hooks said, care doesn't always include love by default. Just because you put a roof over someone's head doesn't mean you love them.
This man clearly does not know his wife, isn't curious about her and doesn't know what she wants and needs or he simply doesn't care about it, even if he heard what she said. Having a 'breadwinner' means nothing if you're emotionally starved.
She is a a tradtional mormon woman seeking attention and external validation for regurgitating antiquated ideology that does nothing to advance culture or socity. A traditional wife would have her ass on that tractor helping her husband, not talking shit on social media about how trad she is.